Sunday, March 1, 2009

Sugar Rush

I'm completely not in the right mind to do any of my homework at this current moment, so I will write out my frustrations in this blog post. Basically it hasn't been a good last half of the week for me as far as anything really goes. Its been really hard for me to focus on schoolwork. I haven't been sleeping much and when I do sleep I have those weird exhausting dreams where you don't really feel like you've slept, but you feel as if you were just temporarily transported to an alternate reality.

I don't specifically remember them but I do know that they had to do with the general theme of most of my weird dreams: death, love, searching, dying, fighting, and trekking through dangerous areas. I've come to know the feeling that I wake up with after those kind of dreams, and I don't know why I haven't been able to recall those dreams lately. I haven't been able to recall much at all lately unless there's a button that is pressed that says "HEY! You DO remember that happening." So yeah, it sucks. A lot of people don't like to remember their bad dreams, but I do. They always seem to teach me a lesson or to somehow make me think- no matter how gruesome or horrible they are. And if I don't have "bad" dreams, they're usually very strange "Why the heck did my mind just do that?" types of dreams. I actually usually really enjoy those. They usually give me something to think about or sometimes even look forward to.

In my dreams, if I remember them, I can use all of my senses- I even feel what's going on. It wasn't always that way (that I can remember). The first dream I really remember feeling anything was when I was 9 or 10, and in my dream I got stung on the leg by a small bee. Then at the end of the dream, I was stung on the lip by a bee about the size of my head. I don't remember the rest of the context of the bee stinging stuff right now, but I do remember feeling it in my dream. It felt so real, but when I woke up I realized it wasn't. Ever since then, all of my dreams have felt so real and alive- as if they were another life that I live. And that's why I like remembering them. They always give me new crazy experiences that are unlike the dull drone of what I currently experience. Fantastical worlds, giant things, wonderful people, horrible people, unexpected happiness, unwarranted failures, and impending doom. Next time that I have one that I remember, I'll have to write it down.

But there's my frustration with all of this kind of thing- (with writing, and playing music and making videos for fun) I always feel like I have so much "important" stuff to do that when I do start something I hardly ever finish it. I know I'm putting some of that off right now by writing this blog, but its always on my mind- what I "have" to do rather than what I want to work on. And they usually end up conflicting and I get so stressed and frustrated. Then I can't do anything because I'm so frustrated that I can't think clear enough to do what needs to be done. And then by the time I'm done doing that, I'm too exhausted to do what I want to or another "important" comes up (usually work). I just wish that I could fuse the two together. I guess that's why I'm going to school. *sigh* I've said what I have said. Take it as you will.

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