You are sovereign, God. You are the Lord God who made the stillness- the quiet that surrounds me. The leaf flutters even when the wind moves gently because the wind is much greater than the leaf. You made the birds that sing their song for the purpose of our ears. How can I write about silence? How can I write about such a thing? I do not know it fully, for even now I hear the quiet, distant bird and the faint chatter of the insects. O Lord, your love is in the insects- the grasshoppers who have no king yet are motivated by your purpose and your design. Move me as you move them. You do move me yet unknowingly I resist. Though I long to know you, I cannot fully know. Just as I call this silence, so I call you God, Sovereign, Yahweh, Creator, Love. I would never fully grasp the depth of silence unless my ears were removed from my head. In the same way I can never fully grasp you until I am brought to perfection as you are. Though you can see perfection, I have no concept of exactly what it is for my ears have only heard of it. My eyes have not yet seen it. The wind blows, but I only hear the trees. I give this day to you, whatever it may be. Strip me down and let me leave all I've known for all I need.
I had a dream last night. I don't remember all of the details as I did when I woke up for the first of three times this morning, but I do remember some. I was on an island in a castle filled with people that I loved and filled with people that loved me. There was more, but I think it was just me interacting with those people and having fun and enjoying being around them. I do remember that the skies quickly grew dark and storms came. There were people with me in the first one, but as the intensity of the storms grew, the people around me grew fewer and fewer until no one was left but me. The storm grew so fierce that all of the windows in the tower were blown away, and I fell to the floor and crawled against a wall to hide from the wind. As I cowered there wondering what happened to everyone and when was this going to end, a door was blown away by the wind and Jesus was standing there. He gave me this look of "I got this. Don't worry." And that's the last I remember.
Monday, November 30, 2009
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
ReallY?
Wow. I've been sitting here for a while and have done absolutely nothing useful. So with a biscotti in my left hand and a coffee in my right I decided to update my blog since I'm obviously not going to get any real work done in this place. I checked my email, poked around on Facebook (its been a while), looked at new computer possibilities, and pondered my life.
Then I realized my computer has been running awfully slow lately so I checked my task manager window. I was only running one very small application and my CPU load was fine, but for some reason I was using 1.3GB of memory! Gah. I only have about 1.5GB of RAM in the whole computer. So I started killing processes left and right. That helped some, but not too much. Then I remembered that Dad had the same problem a while back. I called and asked what he did. I had to go msconfig and kill all of the unncessary start up programs, which was all but two. And there were a lot of them. So now even with the internet open, a wireless configuration utility, and iTunes playing Demon Hunter and converting files I'm only using around 400MB of page file. Pretty sweet. And everything is so much smoother. Hurray for cell phones and Dads that know things.
So now tonight I'm going to our Thanksgiving eve service at church. I don't recall ever going in the five years that I've been here. I wonder what its going to be like... I guess we shall see.
I've been really down and unproductive lately. Its like there has been something blocking me from being productive and doing useful things for my life. I think I know what it is (I don't want to be too specifically personal on the www, but don't worry its nothing that would change the content rating of my blog or anything even remotely in that area- for those who would take it in that direction. I just don't want people to speculate about things that they don't know.) and my mind shouldn't dwell on it too much longer (I hope) but I still do. I feel like I've just wasted so much time lately, but now I have an oppourtunity to pick up and move on to where I was. I was going so strong, but then I let myself get a bit distracted. I knew I shouldn't have in the first place, but I did. I lay my forehead to the table as a result of my clouded thinking. Oh well, "Don't waste time on what might have been." That is a fortune cookie I got a while back and it has been in my wallet to remind me to keep pressing foward no matter what things used to look like. It is different now. The matter of what is good and what is best has been settled. And as the cold azure sky is highlighted with swirls of warm pink with a hint of orange and the world is cast in warm colors against a cool background, I shall leave my seat and begin the night.
Then I realized my computer has been running awfully slow lately so I checked my task manager window. I was only running one very small application and my CPU load was fine, but for some reason I was using 1.3GB of memory! Gah. I only have about 1.5GB of RAM in the whole computer. So I started killing processes left and right. That helped some, but not too much. Then I remembered that Dad had the same problem a while back. I called and asked what he did. I had to go msconfig and kill all of the unncessary start up programs, which was all but two. And there were a lot of them. So now even with the internet open, a wireless configuration utility, and iTunes playing Demon Hunter and converting files I'm only using around 400MB of page file. Pretty sweet. And everything is so much smoother. Hurray for cell phones and Dads that know things.
So now tonight I'm going to our Thanksgiving eve service at church. I don't recall ever going in the five years that I've been here. I wonder what its going to be like... I guess we shall see.
I've been really down and unproductive lately. Its like there has been something blocking me from being productive and doing useful things for my life. I think I know what it is (I don't want to be too specifically personal on the www, but don't worry its nothing that would change the content rating of my blog or anything even remotely in that area- for those who would take it in that direction. I just don't want people to speculate about things that they don't know.) and my mind shouldn't dwell on it too much longer (I hope) but I still do. I feel like I've just wasted so much time lately, but now I have an oppourtunity to pick up and move on to where I was. I was going so strong, but then I let myself get a bit distracted. I knew I shouldn't have in the first place, but I did. I lay my forehead to the table as a result of my clouded thinking. Oh well, "Don't waste time on what might have been." That is a fortune cookie I got a while back and it has been in my wallet to remind me to keep pressing foward no matter what things used to look like. It is different now. The matter of what is good and what is best has been settled. And as the cold azure sky is highlighted with swirls of warm pink with a hint of orange and the world is cast in warm colors against a cool background, I shall leave my seat and begin the night.
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
These Hands Have Done No Work Yet They Tire so Easily
Oh God how I long to love thee more, but my frail mind cannot comprehend such a motion. Not that I love thee with greatness, but that thou art so great that mind only comes to closest substitution when I come to think of thee. Oh God change my heart so that it may in turn change the world around it. I am so petty. I am so useless. I am so unfocused. Give my hands something good to do so that I may once again know what it is to find satisfaction in the work of them.
Sunday, October 25, 2009
The Father's Song
Heaven's perfect melody
The Creator's symphony
You are singing over me
The Father's song
Heaven's perfect mystery
The king of love has sent for me
And now you are singing over me
The Father's song.
I will rest in this and only this- That my Father is exponentially more powerful than I can ever be. He gives me his love which is the greatest love, and I find peace and strength through him. He is the only way that I will ever be a greater person. He is the only truth I need when all other things are obscure. My world is obscure, but he has a greater purpose than I could ever try to fulfill if I knew his plan on my own.
The Creator's symphony
You are singing over me
The Father's song
Heaven's perfect mystery
The king of love has sent for me
And now you are singing over me
The Father's song.
I will rest in this and only this- That my Father is exponentially more powerful than I can ever be. He gives me his love which is the greatest love, and I find peace and strength through him. He is the only way that I will ever be a greater person. He is the only truth I need when all other things are obscure. My world is obscure, but he has a greater purpose than I could ever try to fulfill if I knew his plan on my own.
Saturday, October 17, 2009
Flaming Rose
Hosea 10:12-13 "Sow for yourselves righteousness, reap the fruit of unfailing love and break up your unplowed ground for it is time to seek the Lord, until he comes and showers righteousness upon you. But you have planted wickedness, you have reaped evil, you have eaten the fruit of deception. Because you have depended on your own strength and many warriors."
I really wish I wasn't depriving myself of sleep to write this, but as the whipped cream melts into the hot chocolate and the hot chocolate becomes chocolate milk I must make this brief....
There are so many wonderful things in these two verses that, if my mind were to put thoughts together properly and keep them in there, I could write pages upon pages. But one thing I wanted to point out was the mention of the unplowed ground. Unplowed ground, especially if it is extremely hard, cannot receive all of the necessary moisture or nutrients necessary for farming. In order to plow this ground, something hard and heavy (i.e. a plow) must be used to dig in and expose what is inside. If we are to reap this fruit of unfailing love, we must plow the land of our hearts. Not what has already been turned over, but we must plow what has never been touched. If the land had feelings when it was plowed you would hear it groan in pain as the horses drug the plow across its surface. But it would feel much better when the rain comes and it is able to do so much more for the crops it yeilds. And so it is with our hearts. There are things in our lives which we have kept to ourselves and allowed no one else to touch. To allow that "dirt" to be dug in when it has never been touched is at first difficult to access. Then it is hard and painful to let what it is that is plowing to dig in our hearts and expose what is within us. But because this is exposed, we are able to absorb more of the "showers of rightousness" that God has already been trying to rain on our lives. Sure unlplowed land can still get wet, but it is only when it has been plowed that what has been planted within it can trully grow to its full potential.
This is something that I've been learning in my life lately through experiences and it was just now shown to me in this verse. This verse actually has a lot to do with what God has been showing me in my life over the past few years and I've just been able to get to the point of plowing my unplowed ground- looking at aspects of myself that I wanted to leave in that meadow behind the woods. Though I knew the meadow was there and I could retreat to it every now and again, it was not doing me any good. But now the ground is really being broken and I will seek the Lord until he comes.
I will try to speak more on this verse later...
And "Flaming Rose" is what we're thinking about naming the videography business...
I really wish I wasn't depriving myself of sleep to write this, but as the whipped cream melts into the hot chocolate and the hot chocolate becomes chocolate milk I must make this brief....
There are so many wonderful things in these two verses that, if my mind were to put thoughts together properly and keep them in there, I could write pages upon pages. But one thing I wanted to point out was the mention of the unplowed ground. Unplowed ground, especially if it is extremely hard, cannot receive all of the necessary moisture or nutrients necessary for farming. In order to plow this ground, something hard and heavy (i.e. a plow) must be used to dig in and expose what is inside. If we are to reap this fruit of unfailing love, we must plow the land of our hearts. Not what has already been turned over, but we must plow what has never been touched. If the land had feelings when it was plowed you would hear it groan in pain as the horses drug the plow across its surface. But it would feel much better when the rain comes and it is able to do so much more for the crops it yeilds. And so it is with our hearts. There are things in our lives which we have kept to ourselves and allowed no one else to touch. To allow that "dirt" to be dug in when it has never been touched is at first difficult to access. Then it is hard and painful to let what it is that is plowing to dig in our hearts and expose what is within us. But because this is exposed, we are able to absorb more of the "showers of rightousness" that God has already been trying to rain on our lives. Sure unlplowed land can still get wet, but it is only when it has been plowed that what has been planted within it can trully grow to its full potential.
This is something that I've been learning in my life lately through experiences and it was just now shown to me in this verse. This verse actually has a lot to do with what God has been showing me in my life over the past few years and I've just been able to get to the point of plowing my unplowed ground- looking at aspects of myself that I wanted to leave in that meadow behind the woods. Though I knew the meadow was there and I could retreat to it every now and again, it was not doing me any good. But now the ground is really being broken and I will seek the Lord until he comes.
I will try to speak more on this verse later...
And "Flaming Rose" is what we're thinking about naming the videography business...
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Fall "Break" and new stuffz
I am two hours away from the end of my fall break. What have I done during that break? Well I've dealt with some fear issues within myself and grown closer to God. Friday night I was a bit distressed and had a long phone conversation. Then I didn't feel good at all by 2am, so I had to call out of work for Saturday.
Because of some realizations that I had on Friday, I decided to go up to the seminary on Saturday and just pray and read my Bible. I read through Ecclesiastes, Song of Solomon, Colossians, and 1 Thessalonians and various other scriptures and just prayed that God would make me a stronger man, and not the whiner that I've been lately. I am very thankful that some weaknesses about my personality were pointed out to me. These were things that I was slightly aware of already, but when someone else pointed it out to me I was very senstive of it. And then I realized that lately I've lost a lot of good qualities that I used to have. And I've been praying that God would give those back to me. Sunday, I finally took the kyak out with Robert and Katie. We skipped rocks, and rowed around a bit on Falls Lake. Well, Robert and I did most of the rowing.
Sunday night, Katie and I had a much needed discussion on some communication issues on my part. I know now thatI need to be completely open and not vauge about what I say. And I need to not be afraid to say anything. And I guess some of you that may read this blog know that I have a tendency toward vaguness. I can easily say what I want to say without someone ever knowing I said it. And when it comes to communicating on a personal level, that can be a very dangerous habit.
Robert spent the night on Sunday and I showed him around the good 'ol Funkytown after we played SmashBros till about 1:30am. Then I met up with Chad at Starbucks where he prety much talked to me about communication in relationships without me even bringing it up. Yeah, I think God was trying to tell me something...
I hung out with Katie all afternoon and we read random spats in the Bible and prayed a bit. Then we talked for quite a while, until we were both hungry- it feels really good to be able to talk to someone. So we made some dinner and watched Beauty and the Beast. Oh man, I haven't seen that movie in at least four years. The ballroom scene amazes me everytime. And now that I know how to anaylize stories better, its cool to see all of the symbols, messages and themes that they have going on in that movie. Spectacular.
And I wrote a new poem on my poetry blog today. Check it out.
In other recent developments, Stefan and I are starting a wedding videography business. We don't have a name for it yet. (Help with that is greatly appreciated) and I have a short, 45 second sample reel to get us going. Tell me what you think please. I'm debating on if that is the proper music or not. And if you know anyone who is getting married, you can give them our name. We'll be shooting in HD with two cameras and charge less than a lot of the guys who shoot "broadcast quality" with one. So here it is. Enjoy.
Because of some realizations that I had on Friday, I decided to go up to the seminary on Saturday and just pray and read my Bible. I read through Ecclesiastes, Song of Solomon, Colossians, and 1 Thessalonians and various other scriptures and just prayed that God would make me a stronger man, and not the whiner that I've been lately. I am very thankful that some weaknesses about my personality were pointed out to me. These were things that I was slightly aware of already, but when someone else pointed it out to me I was very senstive of it. And then I realized that lately I've lost a lot of good qualities that I used to have. And I've been praying that God would give those back to me. Sunday, I finally took the kyak out with Robert and Katie. We skipped rocks, and rowed around a bit on Falls Lake. Well, Robert and I did most of the rowing.
Sunday night, Katie and I had a much needed discussion on some communication issues on my part. I know now thatI need to be completely open and not vauge about what I say. And I need to not be afraid to say anything. And I guess some of you that may read this blog know that I have a tendency toward vaguness. I can easily say what I want to say without someone ever knowing I said it. And when it comes to communicating on a personal level, that can be a very dangerous habit.
Robert spent the night on Sunday and I showed him around the good 'ol Funkytown after we played SmashBros till about 1:30am. Then I met up with Chad at Starbucks where he prety much talked to me about communication in relationships without me even bringing it up. Yeah, I think God was trying to tell me something...
I hung out with Katie all afternoon and we read random spats in the Bible and prayed a bit. Then we talked for quite a while, until we were both hungry- it feels really good to be able to talk to someone. So we made some dinner and watched Beauty and the Beast. Oh man, I haven't seen that movie in at least four years. The ballroom scene amazes me everytime. And now that I know how to anaylize stories better, its cool to see all of the symbols, messages and themes that they have going on in that movie. Spectacular.
And I wrote a new poem on my poetry blog today. Check it out.
In other recent developments, Stefan and I are starting a wedding videography business. We don't have a name for it yet. (Help with that is greatly appreciated) and I have a short, 45 second sample reel to get us going. Tell me what you think please. I'm debating on if that is the proper music or not. And if you know anyone who is getting married, you can give them our name. We'll be shooting in HD with two cameras and charge less than a lot of the guys who shoot "broadcast quality" with one. So here it is. Enjoy.
Monday, October 5, 2009
And Life Goes On...
Hi there! I know I've been MIA on here for a while, but I have decided it would be beneficial for me to return. I really have missed writing on here and I have no clue why I kinda dropped off the face of the internet. So now instead of just thinking about writing to someone out there on the vast expanse of the internet, I'm actually writing to you- whoever you are that is reading this. Yes you! Because you're important enough for me to let you know about me. Whether I know you or not. This is just a prelude into more days of blogging...but... since I've been away for so long its General Life Goings update:
So just to let you know, you will be hearing from me a lot more from now on. I need to write and you want something to read. You know you do. ;)
- I now live all alone in this big empty house. Meaning I have to pay more money to live.
- I still work at the same job. :/
- I met an amazing girl that I have become very close with, and it just feels natural to be around her. Maybe more on that subject later eh? ;)...
- Anchor Soul is back! And its going to be freaking amazing this year. Its so good to be doing that again.
So just to let you know, you will be hearing from me a lot more from now on. I need to write and you want something to read. You know you do. ;)
