I Desire The End

Sunrise (Song)

2010-12-23T01:28:00.003-05:00

Sunrise, oh Sunrise
Early in the morning I long to greet you.
Sunrise, oh Sunrise
Take me to the water because I want to meet you
there.
I want to meet you
there where we talk to
each other and smile.
Please dear I know that
Its been quite a while.

Sunrise, oh Sunrise
Early in the morning I long to greet you.
Sunrise, oh Sunrise
Take me to the water I'd be glad to see you
there.
I'm so glad to see you
here just in front of
my eyes for a while.
I hope you will know that
Your face makes me smile.

Sunrise, oh Sunrise
Early in the morning I long to greet you.

Sunrise, oh Sunrise
The beauty you show me
Sunrise, oh Sunrise
Is letting me know that
Sunrise, oh Sunrise
Whatever's inside me
Is greater than I've come
to know.

New Video Project

2010-04-09T02:09:00.003-04:00

So I started an online journal for my new video project. Right now it has no set title, but we'll call it "What People Think About Christians." Be sure to check it out regularly as I tell you about all the nifty experiences and what God is showing me through something he has given me to do. Day 2 is tomorrow! Check it out here at : Burning Rose. The URL is http://burningrosevideo.blogspot.com/

The Mexican Fisherman

2010-01-25T12:21:00.001-05:00

I found this on another blog and liked it....

An American tourist was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked.
Inside the small boat were several large yellowfin tuna. The tourist complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them.
The Mexican replied, “Only a little while.”
The tourist then asked, “Why didn’t you stay out longer and catch more fish?”
The Mexican said, “With this I have more than enough to support my family’s needs.”
The tourist then asked, “But what do you do with the rest of your time?”
The Mexican fisherman said, “I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos, I have a full and busy life.”
The tourist scoffed, ” I can help you. You should spend more time fishing; and with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat: With the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats. Eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor; eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution. You could leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then Los Angeles and eventually New York where you could run your ever-expanding enterprise.”
The Mexican fisherman asked, “But, how long will this all take?”
The tourist replied, “15 to 20 years.”
“But what then?” asked the Mexican.
The tourist laughed and said, “That’s the best part. When the time is right you would sell your company stock to the public and become very rich, you would make millions.”
“Millions?…Then what?”
The American said, “Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos.”

This Ends Now

2010-01-22T02:06:00.002-05:00

About fifteen minutes ago, I looked into the mirror and realized I'm becoming fat, lazy, and complacent, and other things that I never want to become. It all ends now.

"Look to the LORD and his strength; seek his face always. Remember the wonders he has done, his miracles, and the judgments he pronounced." -1 Chronicles 16:11-12

I Am Broken Before You

2009-11-30T20:19:00.000-05:00

You are sovereign, God. You are the Lord God who made the stillness- the quiet that surrounds me. The leaf flutters even when the wind moves gently because the wind is much greater than the leaf. You made the birds that sing their song for the purpose of our ears. How can I write about silence? How can I write about such a thing? I do not know it fully, for even now I hear the quiet, distant bird and the faint chatter of the insects. O Lord, your love is in the insects- the grasshoppers who have no king yet are motivated by your purpose and your design. Move me as you move them. You do move me yet unknowingly I resist. Though I long to know you, I cannot fully know. Just as I call this silence, so I call you God, Sovereign, Yahweh, Creator, Love. I would never fully grasp the depth of silence unless my ears were removed from my head. In the same way I can never fully grasp you until I am brought to perfection as you are. Though you can see perfection, I have no concept of exactly what it is for my ears have only heard of it. My eyes have not yet seen it. The wind blows, but I only hear the trees. I give this day to you, whatever it may be. Strip me down and let me leave all I've known for all I need.

I had a dream last night. I don't remember all of the details as I did when I woke up for the first of three times this morning, but I do remember some. I was on an island in a castle filled with people that I loved and filled with people that loved me. There was more, but I think it was just me interacting with those people and having fun and enjoying being around them. I do remember that the skies quickly grew dark and storms came. There were people with me in the first one, but as the intensity of the storms grew, the people around me grew fewer and fewer until no one was left but me. The storm grew so fierce that all of the windows in the tower were blown away, and I fell to the floor and crawled against a wall to hide from the wind. As I cowered there wondering what happened to everyone and when was this going to end, a door was blown away by the wind and Jesus was standing there. He gave me this look of "I got this. Don't worry." And that's the last I remember.

ReallY?

2009-11-25T16:40:00.004-05:00

Wow. I've been sitting here for a while and have done absolutely nothing useful. So with a biscotti in my left hand and a coffee in my right I decided to update my blog since I'm obviously not going to get any real work done in this place. I checked my email, poked around on Facebook (its been a while), looked at new computer possibilities, and pondered my life.

Then I realized my computer has been running awfully slow lately so I checked my task manager window. I was only running one very small application and my CPU load was fine, but for some reason I was using 1.3GB of memory! Gah. I only have about 1.5GB of RAM in the whole computer. So I started killing processes left and right. That helped some, but not too much. Then I remembered that Dad had the same problem a while back. I called and asked what he did. I had to go msconfig and kill all of the unncessary start up programs, which was all but two. And there were a lot of them. So now even with the internet open, a wireless configuration utility, and iTunes playing Demon Hunter and converting files I'm only using around 400MB of page file. Pretty sweet. And everything is so much smoother. Hurray for cell phones and Dads that know things.

So now tonight I'm going to our Thanksgiving eve service at church. I don't recall ever going in the five years that I've been here. I wonder what its going to be like... I guess we shall see.
I've been really down and unproductive lately. Its like there has been something blocking me from being productive and doing useful things for my life. I think I know what it is (I don't want to be too specifically personal on the www, but don't worry its nothing that would change the content rating of my blog or anything even remotely in that area- for those who would take it in that direction. I just don't want people to speculate about things that they don't know.) and my mind shouldn't dwell on it too much longer (I hope) but I still do. I feel like I've just wasted so much time lately, but now I have an oppourtunity to pick up and move on to where I was. I was going so strong, but then I let myself get a bit distracted. I knew I shouldn't have in the first place, but I did. I lay my forehead to the table as a result of my clouded thinking. Oh well, "Don't waste time on what might have been." That is a fortune cookie I got a while back and it has been in my wallet to remind me to keep pressing foward no matter what things used to look like. It is different now. The matter of what is good and what is best has been settled. And as the cold azure sky is highlighted with swirls of warm pink with a hint of orange and the world is cast in warm colors against a cool background, I shall leave my seat and begin the night.

These Hands Have Done No Work Yet They Tire so Easily

2009-11-03T21:40:00.003-05:00

Oh God how I long to love thee more, but my frail mind cannot comprehend such a motion. Not that I love thee with greatness, but that thou art so great that mind only comes to closest substitution when I come to think of thee. Oh God change my heart so that it may in turn change the world around it. I am so petty. I am so useless. I am so unfocused. Give my hands something good to do so that I may once again know what it is to find satisfaction in the work of them.

The Father's Song

2009-10-25T23:21:00.002-04:00

Heaven's perfect melody
The Creator's symphony
You are singing over me
The Father's song
Heaven's perfect mystery
The king of love has sent for me
And now you are singing over me
The Father's song.

I will rest in this and only this- That my Father is exponentially more powerful than I can ever be. He gives me his love which is the greatest love, and I find peace and strength through him. He is the only way that I will ever be a greater person. He is the only truth I need when all other things are obscure. My world is obscure, but he has a greater purpose than I could ever try to fulfill if I knew his plan on my own.

Flaming Rose

2009-10-17T00:33:00.004-04:00

Hosea 10:12-13 "Sow for yourselves righteousness, reap the fruit of unfailing love and break up your unplowed ground for it is time to seek the Lord, until he comes and showers righteousness upon you. But you have planted wickedness, you have reaped evil, you have eaten the fruit of deception. Because you have depended on your own strength and many warriors."

I really wish I wasn't depriving myself of sleep to write this, but as the whipped cream melts into the hot chocolate and the hot chocolate becomes chocolate milk I must make this brief....

There are so many wonderful things in these two verses that, if my mind were to put thoughts together properly and keep them in there, I could write pages upon pages. But one thing I wanted to point out was the mention of the unplowed ground. Unplowed ground, especially if it is extremely hard, cannot receive all of the necessary moisture or nutrients necessary for farming. In order to plow this ground, something hard and heavy (i.e. a plow) must be used to dig in and expose what is inside. If we are to reap this fruit of unfailing love, we must plow the land of our hearts. Not what has already been turned over, but we must plow what has never been touched. If the land had feelings when it was plowed you would hear it groan in pain as the horses drug the plow across its surface. But it would feel much better when the rain comes and it is able to do so much more for the crops it yeilds. And so it is with our hearts. There are things in our lives which we have kept to ourselves and allowed no one else to touch. To allow that "dirt" to be dug in when it has never been touched is at first difficult to access. Then it is hard and painful to let what it is that is plowing to dig in our hearts and expose what is within us. But because this is exposed, we are able to absorb more of the "showers of rightousness" that God has already been trying to rain on our lives. Sure unlplowed land can still get wet, but it is only when it has been plowed that what has been planted within it can trully grow to its full potential.

This is something that I've been learning in my life lately through experiences and it was just now shown to me in this verse. This verse actually has a lot to do with what God has been showing me in my life over the past few years and I've just been able to get to the point of plowing my unplowed ground- looking at aspects of myself that I wanted to leave in that meadow behind the woods. Though I knew the meadow was there and I could retreat to it every now and again, it was not doing me any good. But now the ground is really being broken and I will seek the Lord until he comes.

I will try to speak more on this verse later...
And "Flaming Rose" is what we're thinking about naming the videography business...

Fall "Break" and new stuffz

2009-10-13T22:09:00.004-04:00

I am two hours away from the end of my fall break. What have I done during that break? Well I've dealt with some fear issues within myself and grown closer to God. Friday night I was a bit distressed and had a long phone conversation. Then I didn't feel good at all by 2am, so I had to call out of work for Saturday.
Because of some realizations that I had on Friday, I decided to go up to the seminary on Saturday and just pray and read my Bible. I read through Ecclesiastes, Song of Solomon, Colossians, and 1 Thessalonians and various other scriptures and just prayed that God would make me a stronger man, and not the whiner that I've been lately. I am very thankful that some weaknesses about my personality were pointed out to me. These were things that I was slightly aware of already, but when someone else pointed it out to me I was very senstive of it. And then I realized that lately I've lost a lot of good qualities that I used to have. And I've been praying that God would give those back to me. Sunday, I finally took the kyak out with Robert and Katie. We skipped rocks, and rowed around a bit on Falls Lake. Well, Robert and I did most of the rowing.
Sunday night, Katie and I had a much needed discussion on some communication issues on my part. I know now thatI need to be completely open and not vauge about what I say. And I need to not be afraid to say anything. And I guess some of you that may read this blog know that I have a tendency toward vaguness. I can easily say what I want to say without someone ever knowing I said it. And when it comes to communicating on a personal level, that can be a very dangerous habit.
Robert spent the night on Sunday and I showed him around the good 'ol Funkytown after we played SmashBros till about 1:30am. Then I met up with Chad at Starbucks where he prety much talked to me about communication in relationships without me even bringing it up. Yeah, I think God was trying to tell me something...
I hung out with Katie all afternoon and we read random spats in the Bible and prayed a bit. Then we talked for quite a while, until we were both hungry- it feels really good to be able to talk to someone. So we made some dinner and watched Beauty and the Beast. Oh man, I haven't seen that movie in at least four years. The ballroom scene amazes me everytime. And now that I know how to anaylize stories better, its cool to see all of the symbols, messages and themes that they have going on in that movie. Spectacular.

And I wrote a new poem on my poetry blog today. Check it out.

In other recent developments, Stefan and I are starting a wedding videography business. We don't have a name for it yet. (Help with that is greatly appreciated) and I have a short, 45 second sample reel to get us going. Tell me what you think please. I'm debating on if that is the proper music or not. And if you know anyone who is getting married, you can give them our name. We'll be shooting in HD with two cameras and charge less than a lot of the guys who shoot "broadcast quality" with one. So here it is. Enjoy.

And Life Goes On...

2009-10-05T23:50:00.003-04:00

Hi there! I know I've been MIA on here for a while, but I have decided it would be beneficial for me to return. I really have missed writing on here and I have no clue why I kinda dropped off the face of the internet. So now instead of just thinking about writing to someone out there on the vast expanse of the internet, I'm actually writing to you- whoever you are that is reading this. Yes you! Because you're important enough for me to let you know about me. Whether I know you or not. This is just a prelude into more days of blogging...but... since I've been away for so long its General Life Goings update:

I now live all alone in this big empty house. Meaning I have to pay more money to live.

I still work at the same job. :/

I met an amazing girl that I have become very close with, and it just feels natural to be around her. Maybe more on that subject later eh? ;)...

Anchor Soul is back! And its going to be freaking amazing this year. Its so good to be doing that again.

So just to let you know, you will be hearing from me a lot more from now on. I need to write and you want something to read. You know you do. ;)

Church Discipline- From Discussion Group on 6/25/09

2009-06-27T01:16:00.002-04:00

I posted this on a discussion board for a bible study group that I will speak more of on here when I have the time... This is from the notes I took on our discussion of Church Discipline on Thursday. I just finished writing it.

The purpose of Church discipline is the restoration of the fallen brother (or sister, but just to make it easy the person will be referred to as brother from now on. lol).
In Galatians 6:1 Paul says that if someone is caught in sin, "you who are spiritual should restore him gently." Paul gives us an example of this in the first part of 2 Corinthians 2 where someone has done something wrong (possibly a reference to 1 Corinthians 5) in the church and has already been punished for it. The "majority" did punish this person somehow, but at the same time Paul says in verse 7 to "forgive and comfort him so that he will not be overwhelmed by excessive sorrow." This means that when an issue of sin needs to be addressed it should not be done out of malice or some other form of ill intent, but rather "so that the sinful nature may be destroyed and his spirit saved on the day of the Lord." (1 Cor. 5:5) And we must forgive so that "Satan might not outwit us. For we are not unaware of his schemes." And his scheme in that place would be to divide the Church so that it would become ineffective as a tool for God.
"A little yeast works through the whole batch of dough." It is not good to never address the sin once we are aware of it. In 1 Corinthians 5, the church embraced the sin that the man did. Paul says to "put out of you fellowship the man who did this" and "expel the wicked from among you" We should not allow one who continues in sin to create division through their sin. In Matthew 18:15... Jesus gives the guidelines for dealing with someone who you know is in sin: speak with them on your own, and if that doesn't work after a while, get a few people to go with you to speak with him, and if that doesn't work, then it should be brought to the attention of the body of believers. And if he still refuses to listen, Jesus says to treat him as a tax collector or pagan: an outsider. According to Paul's example with the church of Corinth, when that person realizes that they were wrong and changes, we can love them enough to bring them back gently rather than continually bash their face in with it. We are not above falling ourselves (Gal 6:1, Titus 3:3).
We are to be held accountable to each other through the church by God's word. When we make a commitment to be associated with other believers, we are making a commitment to be held accountable by them to what God says. If we are committed to one another under the Bible, discipline flows naturally. We are to be one body unified by one purpose. We can never be too "holy" to be humble. We should desire correction from one another if one of us is in sin.

- If anyone has anything to add feel free to on this discussion board. Or if anyone was there and sees that I said something completely wrong about what we discussed or the conclusions we came to through our discussions please correct me. It is possible sometimes that I will take notes and not remember exactly what I meant those notes to say so then when I reproduce them to the world in a halfway intelligible form, it may come out wrong.

1 Peter 4:7-8 "7The end of all things is near. Therefore be clear minded and self-controlled so that you can pray. 8Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins."

But Here You Are

2009-05-21T00:03:00.006-04:00

Lately I guess I've just been getting a lot of kicks to the face from God. These kicks are things that are teaching me how I should grow and love and whatever else it is that God thinks I should know more about or see in who I am or rather who I've become.
So I want to live my life the best I can. So what? there are so many other people trying to do the exact same thing. Doing the best I can is something that I was focused so much on for the past year, possibly two years of my life. Its been "God how can I best serve you with what I have?" Its taken a lot for him to show me "Jeremy, YOU have nothing. You have done nothing. Can't you see this whole time that it was ME giving you everything that you posses within you and around you?" Lately I've been trying to measure up to the things that I think that I should be doing or the way that I think is the right way to go or the thing that I think I should do. And all the while I can now imagine God going:

"Jeremy, here is this month's car payment so you will see that I do provide. Jeremy, here is this camera so I can produce great and mighty things because of you. Jeremy, here is a friend because you cannot yet grasp that I am enough. Why spend money on what is not bread, and your labor on what does not satisfy? Listen, listen to me... I am not in the earthquake that you so desperately hope to shake your life. I am not in the fire that you wish to destroy all but the path you should take. For in the earthquake you would be swallowed by the earth, and in the fire you would be consumed in the flames. No, I am not in these signs and wonders that you seek. As if my might and power need to be proven! No I am not. I AM the whisper. I am that silent wind that you hear only when you are standing still. I am that one thing that you- because of your preconceived human ideologies; you- because of this pathetic little box you have attempted to place me in (no matter how big you hope it to be); I am the one thing that you never thought I would be- the silence, the "nothing". I am the stillness in your heart when all things seem to never cease. I am the peace in your mind when all logic tells you that you are doomed. I am the tranquil silence when all of your emotions seem to scream with rage. I am the Love that you thought you forgot how to be. I am everything that YOU could never be. Come near to me by standing still, and everything will be for my glory in the end. I will use you in ways that not even on your best days can do on your own. Be still and know that I am God. The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still."

Love is patient. I will wait on the Lord. How I claim to love God with all my heart and yet not be patient, when he himself gives the first characteristic of love as patience! Oh, to be human! But to be human is to be loved by God. Oh, to be human! What a joy it can be when all I do is stop screaming at him long enough to listen to him whisper his reply: "Why are you crying out to me? You need only to be still."

Exodus 14¹⁰ As Pharaoh approached, the Israelites looked up, and there were the Egyptians, marching after them. They were terrified and cried out to the LORD. ¹¹ They said to Moses, "Was it because there were no graves in Egypt that you brought us to the desert to die? What have you done to us by bringing us out of Egypt? ¹² Didn't we say to you in Egypt, 'Leave us alone; let us serve the Egyptians'? It would have been better for us to serve the Egyptians than to die in the desert!"¹³ Moses answered the people, "Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the LORD will bring you today. The Egyptians you see today you will never see again. ¹⁴ The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still."¹⁵ Then the LORD said to Moses, "Why are you crying out to me? Tell the Israelites to move on. ¹⁶ Raise your staff and stretch out your hand over the sea to divide the water so that the Israelites can go through the sea on dry ground. ¹⁷ I will harden the hearts of the Egyptians so that they will go in after them. And I will gain glory through Pharaoh and all his army, through his chariots and his horsemen. ¹⁸ The Egyptians will know that I am the LORD when I gain glory through Pharaoh, his chariots and his horsemen."

I Thought You Were Far Away...

2009-05-14T00:57:00.003-04:00

Well I really wanted to update people on what's going on with me, but I need to go to bed so I'll leave you with this lovely picture. I called it "muddy espresso." 4 shots (I think) of espresso over probably 2 oz. of premelted chocolate. And of course whipped cream. The topping is chocolate shavings from the bottom of the bag of the chocolate chips. I made it a while back. It was amazing.

The tounge sets the course of life on fire.

2009-04-19T01:27:00.002-04:00

Quick story:
I went to see a show at the National today in Richmond, VA. Between sets, just after I tie my shoe, this girl comes and taps me on the shoulder...

Random Girl: Hey (said in the tone of "Hi I haven't seen you in a while")
ME: uh Hey.
Random Girl: What's your name?
ME: Jeremy, what's yours?
Random Girl: Well I'm Sarah and this is Rachel
ME: Well nice to meet you. Where are you guys from?
SARAH: Here. Where are you from?
ME: Raleigh.
SARAH: *raises eyebrows as if Raleigh were some distant far away land* So who are you here to see?
ME: Well, my friend told me that Norma Jean was playing...
SARAH: Yeah we were here to see them too, but we just found out that they backed out.
ME: Yeah, my friend told me while we were waiting in line.
SARAH: I really did like their older stuff with their old lead singer. Like from Bless the Martyr Kiss the Child.
ME: Yeah Josh Scoggin is amazing. But the name of the band still carries on and I really wanted to see "Norma Jean" just to say I did.
SARAH: We tried like 4 times now but we just keep missing them. So where are your friends?
ME: Oh they're up there(midlevel). I decided I might as well come up here.
SARAH: Well we're up there (I'm assuming she meant upper level).
ME: cool
SARAH: So how old are you?
ME: 20

*Sarah looks at Rachel*
SARAH: We gotta go.
ME: OK nice meeting you. [as they scamper off towards the doors that lead upstairs]

Then I got a text from Nicole: "You look cool with all your friends"
"Did you see them?"
"Yeah. I can see them now."
"After they asked my age they walked away. Knowing my luck they were probably 14. haha"

Overall a pretty fun night, except for a no moshing or crowd surfing policy. Of course we had our short little moshpits anyways. We even had a brief wall of death and almost started a circle pit. But they had some tight security so probably at least fifty people got thrown out. I'm never going back there again. (by choice. I didn't get thrown out.) But yeah, just thought I'd put a little chuckle up on here.

What Time is It?

2009-04-16T11:55:00.003-04:00

...Procrastination time!

HAHA. So it has come to my attention that posting on here is something that it has been a long time since I have done. And currently I am writing a paper on the Matrix. HAHA I'm so excited, but at the same time it is a paper that I'm supposed to be writing and because of my antiauthoritarian subconsciousness of a two year old that will not allow me to write until I want to write, I am not writing at the moment. It has been about as enjoyable as a research paper can become though. Is there anyone in this world that would not want to watch one of their favorite movies for school? I am certain that there is someone in some collectivist society that would be opposed to it, but we live in the good old individualist United States where personal happiness is beginning to trump everything in its path. Say hello to 40 year olds who never got over the terrible two's... Uh, sorry I started out on a rant didn't I? *ahem*

Anywho, the only movie that has recently passed the Matrix for me that isn't newer is Saving Private Ryan. The cinematography is so beautiful. I will never forget the image of the soldiers walking across the hilltops, silhouetted by what seems to be lightning in the clouds of the night sky, but after hearing the cracks and booms you realize it is not lightning. It is the distant flashes of warfare across the countryside. The scenery was great, but everything was captured in such a way that just made everything that much more beautiful. Even the dying soldiers- when I was watching it, it seemed so beautiful that sometimes I did not realize "oh gosh. that guy just died" until it was over with, even though blood was splattering and gushing everywhere. No I'm not a blood freak. Just the way it was captured had a way of making death even beautiful.

well, back to the Matrix now...

30 Bytes Through an 8 Bit Bus

2009-03-08T00:41:00.002-05:00

Yep. THATS what I feel like. Except I'm the bus. urgh. overload. Maybe I'll elaberate sometime soon. I need motivation to keep resending the information until it all gets through. *sigh* I'm so tired but I still have so much more to do before I sleep.

So Close but Not There...

2009-03-04T02:44:00.003-05:00

Well, with my current capture devices and codecs this is as close to 1080i as I can get you for now. Here's Ryan and his twentysomething seconds of fame!

Partial

2009-03-02T13:30:00.002-05:00

So I did have a dream last night (well this morning). I did remember it when I first woke up, but then I went back to sleep and forgot. All I remember is something about a large selection of HD cameras (mine was in it). And something about a skinny blonde girl (nobody that I know). Well, that's it for now. I'm off to the Wake Forest Coffee Company so I can do my homework without being stuck in this stupid house all day. .:'.':.

Sugar Rush

2009-03-01T23:47:00.004-05:00

I'm completely not in the right mind to do any of my homework at this current moment, so I will write out my frustrations in this blog post. Basically it hasn't been a good last half of the week for me as far as anything really goes. Its been really hard for me to focus on schoolwork. I haven't been sleeping much and when I do sleep I have those weird exhausting dreams where you don't really feel like you've slept, but you feel as if you were just temporarily transported to an alternate reality.

I don't specifically remember them but I do know that they had to do with the general theme of most of my weird dreams: death, love, searching, dying, fighting, and trekking through dangerous areas. I've come to know the feeling that I wake up with after those kind of dreams, and I don't know why I haven't been able to recall those dreams lately. I haven't been able to recall much at all lately unless there's a button that is pressed that says "HEY! You DO remember that happening." So yeah, it sucks. A lot of people don't like to remember their bad dreams, but I do. They always seem to teach me a lesson or to somehow make me think- no matter how gruesome or horrible they are. And if I don't have "bad" dreams, they're usually very strange "Why the heck did my mind just do that?" types of dreams. I actually usually really enjoy those. They usually give me something to think about or sometimes even look forward to.

In my dreams, if I remember them, I can use all of my senses- I even feel what's going on. It wasn't always that way (that I can remember). The first dream I really remember feeling anything was when I was 9 or 10, and in my dream I got stung on the leg by a small bee. Then at the end of the dream, I was stung on the lip by a bee about the size of my head. I don't remember the rest of the context of the bee stinging stuff right now, but I do remember feeling it in my dream. It felt so real, but when I woke up I realized it wasn't. Ever since then, all of my dreams have felt so real and alive- as if they were another life that I live. And that's why I like remembering them. They always give me new crazy experiences that are unlike the dull drone of what I currently experience. Fantastical worlds, giant things, wonderful people, horrible people, unexpected happiness, unwarranted failures, and impending doom. Next time that I have one that I remember, I'll have to write it down.

But there's my frustration with all of this kind of thing- (with writing, and playing music and making videos for fun) I always feel like I have so much "important" stuff to do that when I do start something I hardly ever finish it. I know I'm putting some of that off right now by writing this blog, but its always on my mind- what I "have" to do rather than what I want to work on. And they usually end up conflicting and I get so stressed and frustrated. Then I can't do anything because I'm so frustrated that I can't think clear enough to do what needs to be done. And then by the time I'm done doing that, I'm too exhausted to do what I want to or another "important" comes up (usually work). I just wish that I could fuse the two together. I guess that's why I'm going to school. *sigh* I've said what I have said. Take it as you will.

HEY YA!

2009-02-28T22:25:00.005-05:00

Lets see if this works...
Intro video for Ashley's wedding before the menu. I've had the whole thing done since early January I swear, but I haven't been able to figure out what the writing problem is. I've been working my way backwards recreating as I go. I know its a bad file somewhere, and I think I'm on top of it. I just gotta dig it out. Anyways... Tell me what you think...

Here Comes the Sunrise Too Beautiful to Miss

2009-02-05T09:19:00.005-05:00

Things to Do After Work
__________________

Do Theater assignment
Do History assignments
Read Eng. CH.

__________________

Imagine the world without romance. Imagine the world without music. Imagine the world without someone imagining... Dream dreamer- Dream.

26 Hour Day

2009-01-28T23:51:00.004-05:00

So lately I haven't been sleeping well. I don't exactly know why, but for the past week I've been waking up inbetween 2 and 3 am every day. I'll just wake up and be like "not again..." ugh. I usually am able to fall back asleep, but one night I was just wide awake so I stayed online talking to my Uncle for a couple of hours before my failed attempt at sleeping again, and then getting ready for work. But anyways, school is going pretty well. I haven't had any REAL assignments due yet so we'll see. Just a bunch of reading....
I really don't mind reading at all, but to go from not reading much to having to read your life away... I don't know, I just get so bored with it and I'm like "OK, can't this be over with by now?" So I don't get that way, I'll have to grab a bottle of water or a giant cup of coffee or something to keep myself occupied. I'm actually kindof liking my classes so far. You just kinda show up and listen and read and ocasionally write. They could use a little more structure, but hey... its easy.

I stayed up for 26 hours Tuesday/Wed.... (after sleeping like 3 1/2)
So Tuesday morning was the morning that I woke up at 2am and talked to Uncle Jackie and didn't sleep again. At work, Nicole told me about a show at the Brewery (Love and Reverie) and I decided to go with her @8. I worked until 10. It was kinda slooowww.
Then I came home for a few hours and decied to go study at the bookshop in Louisburg. I got me a giant eggnog latte (yes they really do exist there) and studied for a couple of hours. Then I saw the "buy 1 get 2 free" sign, so I looked around and bought a book on fiction writing, one on the history of Utopian fiction, and one on abnormal experimental sociology. -Fun stuff for $5- Then I studied again until around 6.
I couldn't really study anymore, I didn't want to go home, I had some time to kill, and I was hungry. So I decided to go ahead and call Nicole and we met at the Huddle House in Lousiburg.

Then we went to the Brewery. Doors open at 8 right? So we get there at 7:50 and nobody's outside waiting to get in. Thinking that they already let people in because of it being kinda chilly, I go to open the door and its locked. So we were the only two that stood there waiting for the door to open and we ended up being the first people in. More people slowly trickeled in later because I guess we were the only people that didn't know that there were supposed to be like 6 bands there.... AND wow. There was this one chick there who must have been a professional hula-hooper because she was doing things with a hula-hoop that I didn't know were phyically possible. She was doing it like around her body with both arms in and would pull one out and then switch and go from like her knees to the top of her hands and stuff. She even hula-hooped on ONE shoulder. Not around her arm, but just on the outside of her shoulder. It was pretty amazing.
...Yeah... the bands were pretty good too. lol. I saw Charles there. And it was good music. I kinda wanted a cup of coffee there though, because some of it just made me want coffee. Oh man. Love and Reverie had a kind of simplistic but very effective light set. I really liked it. If I ever take it off my phone, I'll put it on here. I was mesmerized. well here's something similar I found on youtube.... If you don't want to watch the whole 5 mins, just skip ahead to about 3:40. It was so much better at the Brewery though. And they sounded so much better...

It was kinda late, and the last band wasn't that great so we left during their set. Since we were near it, I wanted to go get some doughnuts from the Krispy Cream on Peace St. So we get there and they stopped serving at midnight. grrr.... And we kinda wanted something to do so we wandered around peace st, but nothing was open. (Nothing IS open that late in Raleigh). And since I still wanted doughnuts, we stopped at the Dunkin. Well... they didn't have chocolate glazed- just frosted- Which forced me to buy a cup of coffee. And I must say their coffee was quite tasty and went perfect with their chocolate frosted doughnuts. So we ate the doughnuts (which were also quite tasty despite not being glazed) in the parking lot. And by the time I took her home and got home myself, it was 3 something. I smelled like the Brewery and didn't want to go to bed smelling that way so I decided to take a shower and kept dozing off in the process. I was TIRED. Then it was around 4 by the time I went to bed.
All I remember after that is the sound of my alarm at 11... My 26 hour day...

And nothing really interesting happened today. I woke up; went to school; read in the library until about 6:30. And then I came home thinking that I had to go to work tomorrow (now this morning), but I didn't. I could've read some more. Oh well... because of that, I got to play Zelda: Twilight Princess for the first time. Its really cool. ...Well, that's enough for now. goodnight.

I want that one more moment to not say I'm sorry.

2009-01-20T21:37:00.005-05:00

So I haven't posted on here for a while. And this will be my first post for this year woohoo! I think I might have more stuff to say after I finish watching The Matrix Reloaded.

Basically I've been holding a lot inside of me lately that I'm not sure if i should let out or not. And its really killing me to do so. I feel so confined by my own rules and thoughts that I'm letting the cage fight the lion. When really its not so hard to just unlock the door. And if the lion attacks me, so what? I may die. The lion may die. Or everything might be ok. I don't know. This uncertainty scares me. I wish I could speak more and elaborate, but sadly I cannot right now. Please do not misunderstand. This is not necessarily something bad, but it is just a decision that I must make. I just want the wisdom to make the right choice.

"Which brings us at last to the moment of truth wherein the fundamental flaw is ultimately expressed and the anomaly reviled as both beginning and end... as you adequately put, the problem is choice. But we already know what you are going to do don't we?"

There are other posts after this one...

2008-12-28T21:17:00.001-05:00

Poetry blog special @ http://lovedeathpoems.blogspot.com/ (For now it will only be found here and the paper that I originally wrote it on.)

Opened by years of digging out

2008-12-28T08:33:00.003-05:00

Ok maybe I will continue for a bit...

I've come to realize that all of my "dreams" and "aspirations," that's all they are. They mean nothing. Sure they might get me headed in a certian direction but apart from that, I don't know what I'll be doing an hour from now, much less in five years. I just need to get my mind unfocused from things and more focused on making wise choices. I need to learn to be patient and take things as I go rather than jumping into every glimpse of something that might help me along my way. It is a hard path for me, but I guess this is what I've wished for. I will be stronger one day.

"For with much wisdom is much sorrow; as knowledge increases, greif increases."

123 --> For Real

2008-12-27T23:28:00.003-05:00

Ok, well its obvious that I haven't been updating this thing really a lot lately. But that's because I'm not sure that very many people read it. And there's not really much to blog about for me except for stuff that always seems to make people think that I'm depressed... So, I might continue this thing or I might not. We'll see. If you read this regularly and want me to continue posting then maybe I'll try to find something to talk about on here, but yeah just let me know... General overview->>
I'm trying to get my life straight, and be who I need to be so that something might happen. But right now, I'm in "stuck" mode again I guess as far as how I feel. I mean, if I step back and look I guess my life is progressing at a steady pace, but maybe I'm just impatient. I don't know. I just don't want to end up like someone who finally lines up the rest of their life when their 40 because they didn't know how to do it when they were younger. And my world is open, but all I see is fog.

This is who we are reinventing who we were.

Another one

2008-12-17T19:54:00.001-05:00

Check out the poetry site. I have another poem. Tell me what you think.

Back to the Phuture

2008-11-30T19:15:00.002-05:00

So I haven't been really focused on anything lately, but now my mind is back to sanity. I just hope its not too late for some things...

As far as school goes. A while back I applied to Wake Tech and got accepted. Well, the day after I got accepted I tried to log on and register. They didn't set up my login yet, so I wasn't sure what to do and I fiddled around for a while and finally got my High School transcript and SAT scores sent. And I decided to wait until they contacted me saying they got the stuff. Well, they never did, and I heard from a friend that the payment deadline is tomorrow. So, I just kept waiting... and did nothing (stupid me). Until today, when I decided to try to log on again. It let me, so I set it all up and went online to register. I got an error message saying "you have no student activity on record." So I just looked at the classes and saw what was open that I wanted and probably needed and wrote down my options. So now tomorrow, I have to go to work then go up to the main campus to see what the deal is with my stuff. But at least I'm doing something about it now.
To myself: I'm sorry for being stupid and thinking that I really didn't have to do much. I promise from now on to set goals and reach them asap. No more fiddling around in life. Time to refocus.

;0 <-- haha. I like that face for some reason.

But anyways my problem lately has been that I haven't been focusing on what I need to do and then doing it. I've always known what needs to be done, but I just never did it. And now that some things are out of the way, its time to refocus. Its time to do things instead of thinking about doing them and that such of thing. I was focused for a while, but then things weren't working and I had to hit the "reset" button so to speak. And now I think I just did a cold boot. So I'm troubleshooting from the power supply, and continuing on down the line. And now I'm up and running again with a bigger bus, more RAM, more Hard Drive space, and a faster CPU. so now I'm good to go. Sorry for all the metaphors that probably don't work just right but they're helping me ok? umm yeah.
I wish I could talk about exactly everything that's going on in my life right now, but lets just say that I think God is stretching me and showing me who I am, and taking away and adding, and testing what is there. And its a difficult process, but I know it will be so worth it in the end even if it has to be the very end. My world is a better place. There is peace among the calamity. Death is the catalyst of life.

Your Face!

2008-11-22T12:22:00.003-05:00

Well, as you can tell I haven't updated in a while. But basically a lot of stuff has been happening lately that I would rather not broadcast to the world. I'm not mad or anything, but I just don't feel it best to share with everyone. It is best kept in the minds of those who already know.
But stuff that I can talk about.-
I know this is a little old, but I did teach the 6th grade guys for disciple now. It was pretty fun. I brought my Gamecube and the Nemitz family had a Wii. So we played a lot of Super Smash Bros. (both Melee and Brawl) and of course I destroyed them all. lol. Some of those kids were pretty good at it though. Jake was teaching them with me, and we had a fun time trying to teach them. And I also got attacked. I won of course. lol. Ummm.... my mind is blanking right now so I guess I'll stop. Sorry for those who have been dying for an update. Maybe my mind will work better later.

Oh something recent...
Danny and some people are playing music at the Wake Forest Coffee Company tonight from 8-10 and I'm going to go. Sounds like its going to be pretty cool. Coffee + music =one of the best combinations ever! WOOHOOO!

We'll live in hearts we leave behind

2008-10-31T22:12:00.004-04:00

"We'll live in hearts we leave behind... you can't replace though, the ones you've lost."- Beloved Watching the Lines

This one line is just so amazing. The thought that we do die physically, but we live on in memory and impact. Just think of all of those people that lived before us. It is because of decisions they made through their lives that we are where we are today. Think of "Ugha-bubba" who decided that things move better when rolled on something round. Where would we be without him. No one even knows his name, but he lives on in our lives through just about anything that moves. Isn't that so neat?
And on a more personal level, just think of what you would leave behind if you died right now. No one knows when they are going to die. The present is all we have. What would you leave behind? Would we leave a trail of destruction that we thought maybe could be fixed later? Or would there be a trail of bleeding hearts that were mended; lives that were broken now rebuilt? That is the way I want to live on. I want to live on because I showed someone that there is a reason to live in the first place. I want to leave behind hearts that remember not me, but that they were hurting and someone took the time to see their pain and cared enough to help. Usually that is all it takes is to stop and pick someone up off the road and carry them to the inn. Then they will heal. But so many times people are like the Priest and the Merchant. They are too worried about their own lives and they just keep walking by. How will you live on?

I guess that's why I get so depressed sometimes is because I see people who hurt all of the time. And I just want to take their pain and say "Here I'll take this a while." ( Kind of like Sam Gamgee. He really is a sad character in the Lord of the Rings. All he wants to do is help Frodo, but Frodo thinks that Sam is trying to destroy him. And then Gollum makes things worse by tricking Frodo into thinking that Gollum is his only hope and that Sam cannot be trusted. That's how I feel sometimes. Like even though I try to help people, they see it as something wrong.)
But they try to shrug it away like nothing is hurting them at all. There is hardly anyone who is not hurting for some reason or another. That's why I hate the now 'osopopular greeting "How are you?" because people almost always reply with a monotone "Fine" or "good". It has taken a question of general concern and turned it into something so artificial. If we were just open with ourselves and open with each other, the world would be a much better place to live in. But of course {fallen=messed up} {{human=fallen} ^^ {human=messed up}. If a=b and b=c then a=c. I just want to help people. That's why I hope to one day be making movies that make people think and feel. I want them to think and feel the things that points them towards healing and Christ.
I think that so many times its difficult for people to see healing in Christ because all they see is people who hurt others and claim to have no pain themselves while all the while they are claiming that Christ is their Savior. I mean sure he is (and I'm certainly not downplaying that) but a lot of times people leave out all of the other things that he is too. And that is what people need to see in us, is that we know we hurt and we know they are hurting, but there is a way to get through it all.

You may have spent the last few years searching for me, but I've spent my entire life searching for you.

2008-10-20T13:15:00.002-04:00

OK, so I'm waiting on my work uniform to dry, and I wanted to post something.... I don't know exactly what yet though. My brain isn't quite functioning well with things in the outside world right now. I just had a really strange dream last night, and I guess I'm just trying to sort out why. I won't tell what it was for reasons that are the reasons that I won't tell these things. It was actually a realistic dream. I could feel, see, and hear everything in it. I'm not sure about smell though. But then again you don't notice a smell unless its different than what is around you. And everything that happened in this dream wasn't so outlandish that it couldn't really happen. And the circumstances of the dream weren't unthinkable ones either. I can't remember the last time I had a dream like that. Well, ok. There is one that I can think of now. I know why I had that one, but this one... Oh wait.. I do remember another dream that was similar to this one. Weird. They're just those dreams that make you say, "Why?"

Hotness

2008-10-18T21:48:00.007-04:00

Basically, if you're a girl and you want to be "close" to my heart. Wear black and carry some B.A. weapon. Guns are nice. A giant battle axe might just be a little too foward for me though. So sorry to all the battle axe girls.
I also just love these kind of shots.

BTW: by "'close' to my heart" I meant uber hot. That's why its "close" instead of close. ok. whatever...

My Every Medicine Causing More Illness

2008-10-15T23:43:00.003-04:00

I currently don't know what to put on here right now, but it makes me feel a little better to put something on here anyways.

I came back to Ashley's wedding today, and I realized that all I have left is the stupid slideshow conversion. I wish I could keep it out and write "there was a slideshow here, but due to budget issues it must be cut out. End of Story." That would be great for me, but I know I gotta do it right. Maybe I can use Dad's new laptop for it. I went through 4 bottles of green tea while reviewing and retouching everything. I've seen the wedding so many times that I just have to have something else to do while I'm watching it.

Random fact- I've been to foodlion 3 times today. And I think I'm going to drink some more green tea now.

Things will be better for me one day. I don't want to just slowly die. I want to do something with my life, and believe me I'm trying, but it seems like I always just end up getting shot in the face.

Dispalcement

2008-10-14T23:38:00.002-04:00

If you haven't already (which most of you haven't) look at my previous post real quick before reading this one...

OK. Now that you've done that...

Right now I'm listening to some pretty awesome music on an Industrial station on ITunes once again. And it makes me happy. Well, not that I find my happiness in industrial music, but I don't know what I mean. My mind has been discombogulated all day today. Again, that feeling of "There's something else I want to be doing." But alas, I don't know what it is. Oh well, I'm getting pretty used to that feeling by now. I guess one thing is actually going to school. Wow, I never thought I'd say that, but I miss school. (shutupdigitaldjguy and get on with the music... grr. thanks).
I went to the bank and worked today. That's about all I've really done. I worked cash register pretty much by myself ALL day. I guess that's ok though because there was nobody at work that I really wanted to talk to anyways. The only bad thing about being the only one up front is that when someone orders a coffee and everyone else is in the back, you know its there, but you can't do it because you constantly have customers in line... wait. I'm tired of talking about work on here so much. So I think I'll stop.

Sunday night, I went to Scot's house and we had a big bonfire there. I saw Amy there. I haven't seen her in forever. I also met some cool new people, and we sat around the fire and roasted hot dogs and marshmallows and made smores. I showed Scot and everyone else my flaming marshmallow technique. Its where you make the smore with the mallow still on fire. It makes it taste so much better. The marshmallow and the chocolate are perfectly infused in gooey goodness. There was also IBC rootbeer there, in glass. Ahh, the goodness. And I got a pair of pants that Scot said were at his house when he moved there. We were going to burn them, but they were my size and I liked them. We did burn other clothing though. It was pretty fun. I stayed until about 1am, and people were still there when I left.

Speaking of fun, I'm going to do stuff now. And I'm off tomorrow and Thursday, so if anyone wants to do something, let me know.

Lookie lookie

2008-10-14T13:30:00.001-04:00

So, I have two new posts on my poetry page. One is an alternate ending to "Absalom", and another is a new one. You should check them out.

And I kinda want to know who actually reads this thing, so if you read it please leave a comment on this post. thanks.

Muzik Induztril

2008-10-11T21:42:00.002-04:00

SO...
Sorry about my last post. I guess I was just uber tired and uber stressed and I don't know what else. Maybe I need electroshock therapy or something. Anyways, I've been working at Sheetz ever since the 1st. I've worked Sheetz and my Security job ever since Monday. That means 11 hours of work.- 6am-1:15pm - then drive to Poole Rd and get something to eat and change clothes somewhere on the way. Then do my other job from 2:30-6:30. Then drive home for 45+ minuets. So I would get home somewhere around 7:00-7:30. So really I went from almost doing nothing that was required to make money to repeathed 13hrs of nonstop doing stuff. It wore me out. Then on top of it all, I wasn't sleeping well because some people don't think about others when they stay up all night and come smashing into the room at 2aM! So it was a repeated cycle. Then I had to work 9 hrs at Sheetz today. So that's at least 44 hours in a row when the work week splits it so that it doesn't show up as that on my paycheck. I'm a little distressed about how they set that up so that they can work you for a long period of time, but because of the schedule split its most likely not going to give you overtime. But hey, they do enough other stuff for us. So overall I'm happy with it. I'm just worn out- that's all.

At the moment, I'm listening to an Industrial station on ITunes. Woohoo for industrial. I've always liked that style of clothing. Its just so hard to find. And usually so stinking expensive. I can always brag about my $0.50 pleather pants though. I think I still have them. and my shirt with metal woven into it. I can't wait until I start going to school again. Then I'll have an excuse to dress all cool and stuff. Lately I've been wearing nothing but clothes around the house and work uniforms. Fun eh?- NO. I like looking like myself thankyou. Ohwell. I think I'm going to drink some tea and work on stuff. OR I might just sleeep. Depends on aftertea status.

The Silence of White Noise

2008-10-10T21:59:00.004-04:00

I want people to care, but then again I don't care if people do. Why must I always focus on myself? I really try to focus on other people's needs, I do. But then after a while, you kinda just want to hear someone say "thanks for caring." Or "I'm glad you took the time". Its been a while since I've heard that from someone. Maybe its just me. Maybe I'm just a sad excuse for a pity party right now. I just want to know what it is that I want. I feel so anxious all of the time. Anxious- like I should be doing something that I'm not. Like the cave is filling up with the tide and I'm stuck in the little airhole that's left. I just want to rest. I just want a break. I just want to be able to chill out for one day like I used to be able to so long ago. Lately I've been so messed up that I dont even know how I feel anymore. My brain is void of all stimulation, and though it craves for it I reject it when it comes because it becomes too much for me. I want to sleep, but then to sleep is to miss something of my life. I am in conflict with myself; a stalemate of three directions. I just want someone to care. I want to care...

GAHGGH!!!!RRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2008-10-09T22:09:00.003-04:00

I just feel really pissed off right now. I don't even know why! I don't wanna be pissed off. *sobsobsob*

Currently in BrainLag Mode

2008-10-04T00:51:00.003-04:00

Umm,,, so I have an urge to go to a Goth club. I don't know why. I guess for an excuse to be as ridiculous as I want to be. Plus I've been craving new experiences lately. Such as today, I went to the "Shish-Kabob" and ordered some weird named gyro that I don't even know what it was now. It was good though. And I bought a yellow shirt before I left FL. Hmph. *doze off*
DDIISSCCOVVEERRYYY (Not even I know why I did that). Watever........ Sleep time I guess?

WARNING: INTRUDER ALERT...PSSSHHHH, TERMINATION COMPLETE.

New Header...

2008-10-02T23:01:00.002-04:00

So that pic for the new header was me playing with my lowlight boucnelight... I grew tired of my page looking the same, but loved the simplicity of this layout. So here is my little small change...

Trance and Munchies

2008-10-02T21:55:00.002-04:00

We're the imagination of our selves...

Well, I've been reading this book lately that's futuristic sci-fi cyberpunkish. It has some pretty cool concepts. As in humans uploading their minds into a server and just being electronic forms of consciousness, rather than physical beings. Then they can manipulate their environment depending on the size of their environment. And it even throws in bandwidth problems and memory allocations, and networking hierarchies and stuff. It's pretty neat to think about it. That quote is from a song that I was listening to, and it kinda led me to think about the book..

So on the subject of memory... My computer was just eating memory like a pothead with the munchies. Windows was trying to install a Service Pack3 update. Then it was taking an immortal monkey's lifetime so I told it "no". I guess it got mad at me because after I told it to stop, the program it was using kept eating my computer's memory! GAH! Sso I ended the process and all is better now, and I can listen to psychedelic trance and browse the Internet at the same time! WooHoo. And throw things at Ryan inbetween.

As you can tell, my mind is all over the place right now. I wish I had something to tell you guys that was interesting about my day or my dreams or something, but I don't. It was just a day today. A day of working two jobs, coming home, eating, and making lattes and cappachinos, then fighting with my pothead computer. I'm trying to multitask, but I suck at it. I blame my male being... I'll shut up now.

Butterflies In The Sky...

2008-10-01T20:56:00.002-04:00

... oh, yeah. You remeber, and you like it.

ok... anyways... I like using tripledots at the moment.... oops there goes a quad.

So today was first day/orientation at Sheetz. Seems like its going to be a fairly cool job. I'm basically going to do anything and everything they need me to do. I still have to work security for a while because they have to replace me with someone, and I don't want to put them in too much of a bind. So I'm being nice. Hopefully they'll give the job to Joseph so he'll have some cashflow. Times are tough on college students. As if we weren't poor enough already- Then let the economy spill out its intestines while trying to lift 500 lbs. Now that makes for a big mess.

They should be deciding on that bill any minute now. Amazing how democracy can slowly evolve into Communism. Not that I think it will end up that way, but huge government control on the economy is one step towards it. ByeBye capitalism. And the rest of the world has no choice but to deal with whatever those people in Washington decide because they depend on the materialistic Americans to buy all their stuff so they can feed their economy. No wonder a lot of the world doesn't like us. We're that thing that they depend on, but many of us act like nothing we do affects anyone else. Well, look now. Even where you spend your money affects someone else. So think about that Chinese family who made you that product next time you go to Walmart. Smile across the world one way and say "Thank you" the other. They'll reach them at the same time.

Open E Triplet (The better to bash your face to)

2008-09-30T00:19:00.003-04:00

OOBER long weekend...

Friday, Matt called me and wanted to go workout with me at the YMCA. So, being that I was going anyway and for the fun of hanging with Matt I decided I would. This creepy lady that always stares at me wasn't there, so I was thankful for that. And the pants that I had for when we were done- somehow a water bottle leaked in the back of my car so they were wet in the butt area. I put them in the swimsuit drier in the locker room, but since its made for lightweight swimshorts it made a loud noise and only succeded in uber twisting my pants. So I stood there for a while with the mini-blowdrier. That seemed to work, but when I put my jeans on they were still damp and uncomfortable. We had to go back to Matt's anyways for a coupon book, so I borrowed a pair of shorts.

We ate at this place called No-Fo's which closes at 10. We got there at 9:50, but it was a cool/laidback place with cool/laidback people. And the food was Allthmazoulous. It was a bit on the err... pricey side, but not overpriced for what it was. And we had a 2 for 1 type coupon so it made it even better. I got some kinda crabmeat/shrimp pasta stuff and Matt got like prime sirloin. -Amazing food. And the waitress girl was pretty cool too.

After No-Fo's it was around 10:30/45ish, but we wanted Starbucks because Mr. Frugality somehow also had a Starbucks giftcard. So I was like "I wonder how late that giant one on Peace St. is open?" Then we got lost and somehow ended up on Peace St. (Insert Hallelujah chorus) and its open until 11:30! woohoo! So we hung out there until late and ran back to my car (down the street) in the rain. I got home around 1ish, and started flipping through the channels. At some point I landed on the Exorcist and watched it until conclusion at 4am.

Saturday, I slept in a tad and messed around until about 5:00. Then I finally decided to wash my filthy car. Its supposed to be white, not cream. So given the severity of the dirtiness I had to hand wash it. Around 7:00 I took Kali with me and we went through Wake Forest to go to the ATM for cash. Then Rolesville to drop off the cooler for Sunday. Then it was off to the Brewery!

So it was a weird mix of bands that night, ranging from emopop to metal. The show finally got started at 9:00 after everyone was standing in the rain for 30 mins. And it was PACKED. I never knew so many people could fit in such a small place. And for some reason there were a lot of really large guys there. And there were also a lot of really mad people there too. Large people + crowded room + mad people + heavy music= much cheapshots and face bashing. I saw Kelly there and met her friend Anna (correct me if wrongname). That was pretty cool. And of course I got smashed in the head by a huge guy twice and bit my tongue. I got in on a little of the moshing when it was real moshing, but like I said many people were there that night just to bash faces. I like my face thank you. And I try to keep my teeth in my mouth. I felt really cool when I barely missed getting my face bashed by much needed facial evasion. That was fun. I'm alive. A few fights broke out too. That was also fun. Of course some some kid "hardcore dancing" spinkicked this guy and then he did the same thing back. [Haha. sawitcoming.] So then they went after each other right in the middle of the circle. But not wanting to put up with such BS, me and a bunch of other people were there to pull them apart. A lot of other crap happened like that too. Some of it was stupid because it made everybody mad, and then no one was having fun. But overall I had a good time. The show didn't end until after 1:00 am.

So I got home and in bed around 3ish only to wake up at 6 to go get the sausage biscuits for church. 140 is a lot of greasy fat sandwiches that smell and taste good. I went to church, went to SundaySchool and taught my SundaySchool class. I get to do the lesson next week. I'm scared. No, its not that bad. I just have 20 kids that love to learn and have fun. Its completely different than I imagined it. It really is a quite enjoyable experience.

After church, I went to the Shaw's house. I went with Lacee and Seri to the Goodwill(s), and foreal there was like hardly anything there that was interesting. It was like the circus took all of their stuff back. And I found a bunch of those cool zipup boots, but they were all the long girl kind. UGH. My feet will find their love someday. We went back to there house, and I prettymuch just chilled there all day. Mrs Laura was cutting someone's hair, so I asked if she could cut mine, since Ryan's too lazy to do it. She did, and I love it. (Thanks again if you read this.) So it kinda turned into a haircut fest as other people got their hairs cut too. And Shrek was on. I forgot how actually it was kinda a cool movie until I saw most of it again.

Needless to say, I slept great last night. Then today I woke up to go to my interview with the YMCA at 9:00. Then I met Chad and his kids at MiccyD's for lunch. and it was work time. I really wanted to workout at the YMCA after work, but my body doesn't agree with me at the moment. Hopefully I'll catch up tomorrow, and then I'll go. I need to. I must. Especially after those brownies I ate tonight. Merry September to all, and to all a good night!

Eminor Cmajor

2008-09-20T22:39:00.002-04:00

So, life is going good for me I guess. I like being back here in NC. My headlights are fixed, and they're brighter than ever. And I have 3 jobs to choose from. I'll probably end up at Sheetz if all goes well. It's a pretty good deal, and I've kinda wanted to work there for a while because its kinda close. Plus it just seems like it would be a cool place to work. Basically its coffee, food, and cash register. That's what it seems like. Plus I'll probably get to see quite a few people that I know a lot. Jobs where you see the same people every day, or no one at all just get kinda lonely. I don't mind being by myself, but when I'm supposed to be by myself I seem to not like it as much. Its just the psychological effect of not being in control of if I'm by myself or not. I mean I'm always in control of it, but when I have to be alone to make money to live with it kills me after a while. Even if I was a hermit, I'd have the choice of being with people. Yeah, you get my point.

Speaking of alonness... I went to the sunday school teacher's meeting today, and there's nobody within my age range that's helping with sunday school stuff. So I either hung with my mom, or sat by myself. And I always have different views on things from other people... ALWAYS. Its kinda difficult when you're sitting there with people and they're all talking like homeschooling is the greatest thing in the world, and nothing good comes from public schools. Umm... HELLO, look at who you're talking to. There's more to life than being prim and proper and knowing the Sunday school answer to everything. I finally spoke up, "Well I went to public school."
"Oh... Really, like completely? You've never been homeschooled?"
URGH. What is wrong with people? Sometimes they can't see that there's advantages and disadvantages to both. There are weirdos on both sides of the board. I know cool people that were homeschooled, and I know cool people that were publicschooled. Either way, you have to instill in the child good, Christian morals and how to apply them to the culture we live in- Balance. In life, there is always balance. I wish that I could just open up people's eyes to that. If you only had one side to your body you would fall over. If we were in any other relation from the sun we would freeze or burn. Its all in design.

Its really easy for me in life to feel alone sometimes. I want to take on these things. I want to take on the world and rally others for the same cause, but everyone else is content with sitting there and riding the wave. Riding down the river to the waterfall at the end. And once the edge is reached, there is no turning back. Its going to be too late.

Something needs to change. Something big needs to happen to wake people up to what's really going on with their life. We are all dying. That's how I see life. Everyday I live is a day closer to death. Once I'm dead, there's nothing I'm going to be able to do about it. That's why I hate when older people are like, "You'll have the rest of your life for that." Wathecrap!? This IS the rest of my life. I've known quite a few people that will never even make it to where I am now. The rest of their life ended two years before the current timeline of mine. Don't tell me I have the rest of my life like it's going to last forever, because its not. Mine is not and neither will yours. Do something about it rather than waiting for it to come. I guess most people don't see life that way, so that's why I always feel alone in my endeavors.

I want to be part of the culture by changing the culture to what it should be. Too many people my age just want to be part of the culture. Then there are those who may be a bit older that just want nothing to do with the culture entirely. If something is broken, then you need to do something to fix it. Especially when it is irreplaceable. People are the culture. You can't replace them. You can only do what you can to change them. And one person cannot lift a one million pound, but if a million people each lifted one pound they could lift the million pound object. Its that simple, but no one wants to see it.

Goodbye Ghetto, Hello Techno

2008-09-18T12:30:00.002-04:00

OLD VS NEW (Note the flashlight duct-taped in the old one.)

THE OLD

THE NEW

And I'm going to get some of those blue colored light bulbs pretty soon!
Yes this is what I've done so far today. Time to get ready for work.

One Bird, Two Stones

2008-09-15T02:35:00.003-04:00

MUHAHAHA!!!!!!! I'm back. And it feels great too because as far as jobs go, I kinda sorta have a choice in the matter. Having job freedom leads to more money and more money leads to doing more things (aka- college and more thriftstore clothes and more cool thriftstore gadgets!). So tomorrow (well today really) I'm going to check out some job doing some new mulch thing, and I'm also going to check out a post with Ye Ol' Security company. Maybe I'll think to actually post about it, since I haven't been posting things lately.

Saturday, I went to help the youth pass out water bottles and candy bars in Moor's Square (where a lot of homeless people are). It was a pretty good time. And I got to see things that I've never really seen about Raleigh before. Like, how many homeless people there actually are there; how they live; and all of the cool things that people do to try to help them out. And there seems to be a church for homeless people. That was probably one of the coolest things I got to see. I think I've heard of it before, but never really thought about it. Then to see an old white lady get down to some Kirk Franklin- hilarious!

Today I went to church and asked Brian if there was anything I could help out with SundaySchool-wise. Then it was like "Lets see where PJ wants you." and as soon as PJ saw me (without me or Brian saying anything) it was (loudly, exictedPJstyle) "You're back? You're back from FL? Are you back for good? (Yes) Well then come with me. You're not doing anything right now are you? Good. I want you to come in here." I was then ushered into the 6th grade sunday school class where they needed help. So I'm helping with 6th grade Sunday School 3rd hour.

Things are looking up already. Jobs seem to be out there for me, and there is a place/places for me in the church. And I have friends here that I can hang out with. All of the things that I didn't have in FL that I whined about the whole time. I guess God has a way of showing you where you need to be when you are willing to do what you need to do to be there.

P.S. (eventhough there really is no "signature" for this to follow, so more like S.N.)-- Filadelphia needs a new bass player still and I've been thinking about it a little. But there are other places for me to use Grendel and The Beast too.

ATTENTION

2008-09-07T23:01:00.003-04:00

Due to a culmination of recent events, which I have no time to explain at this moment, I will be moving back to North Carolina. That is all.

NEW POEM

2008-09-01T13:09:00.003-04:00

I posted a new poem on my poetry page. You can CLICK HERE to go there.

On the Edge, A Sword Brings The Meaning of Destiny.

2008-08-31T00:27:00.003-04:00

So I was sitting here about to read my book when I was like "I really feel like drawing something right now because I haven't in a while." And a while back I had decided that I was going to draw more, so I even bought a sketch book and all. But when I found my sketchbook there was nothing in it. haha. So I drew stuff in it. I really want to at least halfway develop my drawing skills. I used to draw a lot when I was younger, but then the technological side of me took over and I got into computers. But now I want to see what I can do- expand myself. Stretch a rubber band and let it fly. woohoo.
Wow, I think I'm on a caffeine trip and Imaboutto CRASH! Idunwanna crash. I hate it when the crash comes. I like going 100MPH, but I guess soon you wear out the engine doing that. I really feel like playing my bass with some people right now. I've already played it by myself, but I'm tired of playing by myself. I want someone to play with. Its really annoying to come up with ideas, but then you can't try them out because there's no one else there to try them with. That's happened a lot since I've been here. I'll be sitting there and BOOM greatidea! But then I'll do my part and there's no one else to do the part that I can't do while I'm doing mine. UGH. I strongly dislike it.

The blade on the table, the note on the floor.
I saw you so happy but so sad.
Tell me who should I be more sorry for?
The music plays in my mind
to erase the pain but it takes time
to heal the wounds that cause regret.

Wounds become scars
too deep for time to erase
And who could deny
the canvas of your face?
Please tell me who I could be
If you were you and I was me.
And take it for what it is.

Death Is Just Another Path- One That We All Must Take

2008-08-26T17:22:00.006-04:00

I've sucked like a monkey with a straw so far this month at updating this thing and keeping in touch with people. But basically, besides a few delays and changes in the boring plot of my recent life, it's been "same ol' same ol'."

I really feel like writing a lot, but I just don't have much to write here right now. Oh, the stalemate of desire and reality! That a man should want, but have no need. And in having no need, breeds his want of a need. But alas the need is not there, and the paradox begins again.

I feel like a wasted body, a wasted brain, a wasted piece of this world that was created to do something great, but hasn't found its way to get there. Like the tree that was cut down to build a palace, but has only been cut down and not yet cut up into workable pieces. Many birds and small animals nested in its branches. Many beasts of the forest hunted underneath its shade. But now it lies there useless and waiting to be used for what it knows it can be, and there is no man in sight to cut it up and carry it off. Its just left there to do nothing, as it watches its former tenants find trees elsewhere.

-"The last pages are for you..."

Its that day again. Its that time of year.

2008-08-21T22:49:00.003-04:00

So, Fay is here and I haven't floated away yet. Sorry that I haven't updated for you guys in a while. Basically I've just been working and looking for another job. I do like the job I have, but its in the wrong place for a coffee shop so there's not much business. Not much business means that I get less hours. And less hours means less money. SO I looked around and applied at Winn Dixie in Fernandina. They called me in for an interview and a drug test. Then they said that they would call me when they got the results back. I'm hoping to have the coffee shop in the morning and Winn Dixie in the evening. Or just full time Winn Dixie. I think I'm going to get more pay there. Plus I'll have an excuse to go to Fernandina. I really wish I could live there. Its a nice area that's a little more "me" than Oceanway. All that's in oceanway is a bunch of rednecks and a shopping center. The only great thing here is Starbucks, and that's too expensive and too many calories to have every day.

I'm starting to get that "stuck" feeling again. I came down here expecting to get a job, go to school, and be involved in a growing church. And here I am three months later finally getting a job, but its not enough of one to go to school off of. I'm still waiting on the Air National Guard (they called and said that the recruiter would call me this week, but they were activated for the storm on Monday, so I guess that's why I haven't heard anything.) to call me. And I do go to celebration, but its difficult for me to hang out with anyone because they all live on the Southside, and I don't have gas to go out there 4 times a week. I finally actually hung out with some people on Saturday night, but I want to do more than hang out with the people from it. I want to actually do stuff that I'm capable of doing and helping with, but everything that I think I can do sounds like its already covered. So I don't know. I guess I'll hang around some more to see if there's somewhere I can help out with things. I would rather be a host than a parasite. Another thing is that I just feel weird around some of those people. I mean not like a bad weird but more of just uncomfortable. I guess its just because I'm from a different part of Jacksonville than most of them, and a lot of them are either going to school or just got done with it. So I sort of have a different life than most of them from what I can tell. Then I just miss everyone that I already know. Most of the friends that I had here I can't get a hold of, and everyone else that I know lives in NC. So its just kind of difficult to adjust to everything at the same time. The culture here is soo different. In Raleigh, there's music everywhere. And here, the only music you ever hear of is the rap that people blast through their subs. I guess there is a pocket of music somewhere, but I just haven't found it yet. Its kind of hard to when half the time you spend with people is spent with your grandparents.

Overall, I'm starting to wonder if moving here was the right thing to do. In NC, I had a little money, and I could've took out a small loan to go to college. And I did whine about all of this crap here, but the power went out last night. I don't know what this will post as, but its now 10:45 on Friday. Basically I just miss people and I don't want to waste my time here (or anywhere for that matter). And I want my decisions to be the best ones.

Fay update...
Last night was pretty windy and rainy. There were brilliant flashes of light not too far from the house. I don't think it was lightning because they were mostly a bold blue. And then there were a couple of red flashes too. It couldn't have been a police car, because they were too bright and they were not constant. It looked like maybe something electrical. I think it could've been the sign at the gas station, but I don't know because I haven't seen it yet. Plus after the light, there were faint buzzing sounds (like electricity). And one time there was this weird humming sound that sounded like a sad excuse for an air raid siren. It sounded kind of like the space ships in old alien movies when they hover. But I'm still here, and its still raining and the wind is still blowing.

Speachless Words

2008-08-08T23:13:00.005-04:00

Well, I'm loving my job so far. I get to make cool ice cream and coffee things and not get overrun by customers. The stuff is not to complicated to do and the owner has everything labeled and written out so we don't have to memorize anything. Its pretty cool to bring culture to the rednecks of the Oceanway.

And Zhang Yimou is amazing. HOLY HALOED WINGED GOLD GLITTERING crap. To direct all of that. And it was all perfect. All of those people to get together and coordinated. I mean come on- 2008 drummers with 2008 lighted drums that were perfectly synchronized by people instead of machines! And then what he did with the LCD on the FLOOR. GAH! It just shows why he is the one directing it all. It actually made me shed tears. It was amazing. SO just in case you missed the opening Olympic ceremony, look it up on NBC or something. And that little kid with Yao Ming (SP?) brings tears and awe too.

He gives showers of rain to men.

2008-08-06T20:55:00.002-04:00

Ok, so Sunday I think it was, I basically prayed, "God you know I'm really low on money and its crunchtime. I really need a job this week. Please let me get one this week." I really didn't care what it was. I just needed something. So Monday I started applying like crazy to everywhere and everything. I filled out applications to 3 Barnes and Nobles, Dollar Tree, Win Dixie, Mc Donalds, Burger King, Wendys; I was waiting for an application for a job detailing cars in the hot Florida sun, and I was in the process of Steak and Shake when Nana happened upon a "Grand Opening" add in a coupon magazine for Primo's- a coffee shop that is 5 mins away from the house. So I thought "since they just opened they might need more people to work there." I called and asked. They needed a morning shift. I was so excited I didn't even finish the Steak and Shake application. I drove down there and filled out an application. Then they asked me a few questions and showed me around the place. They asked if I could start training tomorrow at 10! Woohoo.

Just in case you don't know, this is exactly the kind of job that I've been wanting since I moved down here. A small local coffee shop. I didn't really care about distance just as long as it paid enough for me to make a little money. And now after I actually prayed about more than just a little, but actually truly meaning that I really wanted a job I get one. Imagine that. God answers not when we want to ask, but when we actually do ask. Ha. What a concept- actually asking!

Even though this is kinda just preliminary training, I'm pretty sure I'll enjoy it. God has taught me a lot through this kind of "have to have patience and grow" kind of thing. Its really hard to explain how my attitude about slow points in life has completely changed since I've been here, but it has and God has shown me not only that I need to trust him more, but HOW to trust him more while I'm on my own without anyone there to nudge me in the right direction. I'm still far from the plumb line though, but at least I see how God straightens my wall in ways that I can't.

13Now listen, you who say, "Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that
city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money." 14Why, you do not
even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that
appears for a little while and then vanishes.

Sometimes in the process from A to B, you happen upon A.7 to find your really going to B.5. So all I can say is hold your plans loosely. You never know what's coming. I gotta sleep...

Sorry Foxers

2008-08-02T22:34:00.003-04:00

So I got pissed off with IE and decided to come to the dark side and try FireFox. I didn't realize that one of the commands I used in my blog layout doesn't settle well with FireFox (or at least this version). The text column is supposed to be in the middle. Maybe its a plugin I need, so if you use firefox and the text is in the middle of the page then tell me so I won't have to change me layout.

...As you can see, I have made it more Firefox friendly. And it is much simpler and a faster load now. I just used one of the regular blogger templates. I might play with it one day, but I like it this way for now.

Programming Woes

2008-07-31T23:29:00.003-04:00

So the past couple of days I've basically done -not much. I ran a bit yesterday, and I found this really cool website that has a bunch of different lessons on different subjects. I decided to go through it all to try and keep my mind from rotting away completely. Right now I'm studying aerodynamics. Its actually quite fascinating. I learned a lot of it in physics, but to learn the rest of it is really cool. I also found where they have practice ASVAB tests online. I started taking those too. I have a LOT to refresh myself on before I actually take it. All of those "optional" classes in High School are actually just important as the rest of them. So for those still in school- everything that's in a book is important, no matter if its on a state test or not.

Ryan's supposed to come down here tomorrow. I wish he would've told me exactly when he was coming down before today. I could've let De know, and he could've cleared his plans for Saturday (if he has any). I'll call De tomorrow and see what he's doing. Speaking of tomorrow, I called JC Penny's about the part time photography job (which is what they said to do on hotjobs) and they want me to stop by... to fill out an application. It was already kinda late to do that today, so after I run in the morning that's where I'm going. And I have someone that I can go see The Dark Knight with. woohoo! I was kinda planning on going tomorrow anyways, because I'm going to be at Regency already for the application. Matinee movies there are only $5!

Oh yeah, I bought this C++ book a while ago and started using it. Then when I start writing the programs that it tells me, it said they need to run in a WIN32 environment. I thought XP was WIN32, or at least WIN32 compatible. I'm so confused and rather ticked by this whole thing. Its supposed to be for people who have no programing experience whatsoever. I think the problem is the compiler program that came with the book, but I'm not sure. So I put the CD in and I install everything just like the book tells me right. Then after I get done with that the book says "follow the onscreen instructions." Well, after installation there are no "onscreen instructions." They could've at least showed a picture of it in the book. I tried to open the program, but it needed a serial number and activation key. So I looked in the book and on the CD forever. NO ACTIVATION KEY! After I put the CD back in, an autorun menu started. There was a place to click on there to get the activation key and serial number. I clicked on there and it sent me to a webpage that had nothing to do with the activation key. And I also found that there are 10,000 versions of my program- home, professional, personal, v1.011, X, v6.01, and so on and so forth. So I had to browse around this extensive website and finally found the activation key and everything. One question- why require an activation key and then put it on a publicly accessable website? Makes no sense.
After activating, I finally continue the book which tells me a bunch of stuff without examples as an intro I guess. We finally get to the example program and there is a sample of the code, but not an illustration of what the program should look like, or even how to compile it in the compiler that they gave us. URGH! But I did the code exactly and tried to run the program, but it said I needed a WIN32 environment to run it in then gives me binary. I found the example of the program on my CD and I get the same results. Maybe I'm just trying to run it wrong, or maybe XP isn't WIN32. I think that its just WINXP or something like that. Not 100% sure. I guess I'll do some research. And to think, before I started all of this I had Visual Basic C++ in my room. Then after I got rid of it I know what it is. URGH!

Now I Realize What I Am to

2008-07-29T01:05:00.003-04:00

So its a little over an hour into Tuesday now. Quick update for everyone that really cares. After my trip this weekend, things are finally clear to me. That's all I'm going to say bout that. And if you really care to hear about it call me. If you don't have my number and want to call, then drop a comment.
Air National Guard update: I'm in the system and should get a call from a recruiter this week to set up an appointment. I'm pretty excited about it all.
AND JC Penny's needs a photographer and they want to actually talk to them instead of just sending a resume. So that sounds pretty promising. That's what I'm going to do tomorrow, and for now I'll just go to bed, hoping that my dreams turn out sweet enough to ease pain of life.

After Dawn Breaks

2008-07-24T03:32:00.003-04:00

-Get Peanut Butter
-Go to Nana's
-Make a shake and Drink it
-Go to the YMCA
-Run 5 miles and do 100 inverted situps
-Take a shower
-Get CD for Memi
-Get oil changed
-Get a headlight
-Clean out car (like vacuum and stuff)
-Go get something
-Go somewhere

Yes I could've made a UL, but I didn't really feel like it...
Lots of going and getting.

Late

2008-07-22T04:41:00.002-04:00

Well, I finally added a new poem to my poetry blog. I actually have more stuff in progress, but its just not completed yet so thats partly why I haven't been posting much on there. And the template isn't going to be perminant. It just looked really "blah" since I took my profile picture away because I have a pic on this blog. I'll try to tell you when I update stuff on there from now on. Be sure to look at the descriptions of the poems because you may have seen some of them floating around on either here or my Myspace or Eliteskills or somewhere else.

Every Breath Can Be the Last

2008-07-22T02:39:00.005-04:00

Well, I finally added a new poem to my poetry blog. I actually have more stuff in progress, but its just not completed yet so that's partly why I haven't been posting much on there. And the template isn't going to be permanent. It just looked really "blah" since I took my profile picture away because I have a pic on this blog. I'll try to tell you when I update stuff on there from now on. Be sure to look at the descriptions of the poems because you may have seen some of them floating around on either here or my Myspace or Eliteskills or somewhere else, but I describe them on the poetry blog. Here's a link to it.

So lately I've been trying to get in super shape so when I go to BASIC it won't be too much of a body shock. Basically I've been sleeping late, waking up, drinking a protein loaded banana milkshake, lazing around wasting time for a couple of hours, then going to the YMCA to workout for a couple of hours. I haven't really had much to do except that. But this weekend was different. Memi (my mom's mom) called me, and I helped her out around her house on Saturday.
Then I went from there to church (I go on Saturday nights usually) and I heard exquisitely what I needed to hear- to sum it all up there's more to life than A and B. And God uses those inbetween times after A to form who you should be when you get to B. You don't just instantly teleport and then "make it". So yeah, its cool how God shows us things in more than one way and is like "OK. Now do you understand me?"
After church I met up with De, and he invited me to go play XBox at Joe's house. And I think Joe lives in St. Augustine which is about 30-45min away (for those of you that don't know distances around here). So we played xBox until we were all tired of it and it ended up being sometime around 2AM. De and I had already agreed to go bike riding the next morning, so he said he would call me when he got up. Well, I got home sometime around 3ish. Then I had to take a shower and eat because the last thing I ate was a tuna sub around 4pm. By the time I did all that it was 4AM and I couldn't sleep well so I probably went to sleep around 5.
De called me around 9 to meet him on the Westside to go riding. So I did, and we rode on a bike trail that used to be an old railroad track during the civil war era, but since then they paved it and stuff. There's a whole little history park on it too. I thought it was cool because we were in Jacksonville, but at the same time we were out in the middle of nowhere. We rode about 7.5 miles then turned around and came back. On the way back he let me try out his really expensive bike that you have to wear special shoes to ride. They're special because they lock onto the pedals (they basically are the pedals). He had it set up for him and his feet are a little smaller than mine so I wouldn't be able to ride it like that for too long, but after riding it when I have the money to get a bike- I don't want anything less. It was amazing the difference in speed between a pretty nice bike and that one. Plus the tires were basically slicks with 120 psi so you could coast forever. The ride there felt pretty long, but after I got on that thing it felt like nothing. And I got to eat at Sonny's (for those who don't know its my favorite BBQ restaurant ever). YAY!
I spent the rest of the day walking around Fernindina Beach which kinda sucked since it was a mid-Sunday afternoon and half of the shops were closed. I did find a community theatre there that I'm thinking about auditioning for a couple of their plays. I would really love to get back into that again. And I have time to make plans because what I want to audition for isn't open for auditions until December.

Today I've really done nothing at all until about midnight when I decided I had some stuff I could work on, so I pulled out the computer and watched Ashley's wedding to make notes on stuff I needed to fix. And I'm also going to start working on all of these movie making and computer programing books that I bought. So riding on the coffee that I got at the gas station and the espresso I made, that's kinda what I'm doing but I decided to give whoever cares an update on my life because I've been sucking at that lately. Oh and BTW- I had to change my plans to see Taylor so Friday morning I'm planning on going to Paxton. And I'm planning to come back Sunday. I can't wait. I also can't wait to get the ball rolling with FANG but I'm kinda just waiting on them and there's nothing I can do for the moment. We'll see how that goes. If it doesn't work out, right now I know of another option that I have with life but right now its all hazy. We'll see. I just keep praying that God shows me the right decision and shapes me into who I need to be.

Rain After the Rain

2008-07-20T03:25:00.001-04:00

And so the clouds move on...
leaving the rain to die in its loneliness.

More of my mind

2008-07-16T01:35:00.003-04:00

Its nearing 2AM and I'm still awake. That's the way its been lately. I don't have much to do during the day except wait for that phone call saying that I'm in the system to go to the Air National Guard. I'm so ready to just do something. Anything really. My whole life so far has been working to this point- to go to college. Then when I finally make it here, I have the hardest time deciding what I want to do. Then I have to figure out how I'm going to do it. I'm probably done with over a quarter of my life so far, and what has it been? Its been working to make it through the other three quarters of it. Now what stands in my way? The BIG GREEN. And I know a way to make it not even a factor. Its just going to take a little more time and effort than I had originally planned on, but that's okay with me. I'm just going to be stressed out and depressed until all this is rolling.

Its so frustrating to just wait. I guess that's a problem I've had throughout my life is that I don't like to wait on things to happen. I just want to make them happen faster, but a lot of times I don't know how. And usually there is no way to make things happen faster, so all the time I could've spent with other things was spent on this one thing and it just all gets messed up. It makes sense to me, but it might not to some people.

So realizing my fault, I am now setting out to change this (you are seeing my mind as I type tonight). Tomorrow, I will start to completely prepare myself for what I know lies ahead rather than wishing what lies ahead will get here sooner. Rather than wait, I will prepare.

Time something happened...

2008-07-11T23:43:00.004-04:00

Well, I haven't been updating this lately because lately nothing much has happened. I finally am starting the process for joining the Air National Guard. It turns out that my uncle can actually help me out a lot with it, and I'm feeling pretty good about it. Nothing else has really worked out for me so we'll see how this goes.

I'm pretty close to finishing Ashley's wedding. Its decent. There's not really anything amazing I can do with it though. I do really enjoy the vows and ring exchanges and stuff (the shots I got during that). I think I'll be prepared for the next one. Oh yeah, another cousin is engaged so there's another video for me to do. I hope they do it at another church (though I doubt they will). It was pretty hard to get good shots sometimes. oh well.

Taylor's birthday is Monday, so I'm planning on going over to Paxton on Thursday. I'm pretty excited about that. I'm selling my sound system that I had in my Celica so I can pay for the gas to go over there. I mean I can pay it now, but selling the system will help me be a bit more comfortable when I get back. I can't wait to see her again, though I wish I could see her more than I do.

Of Culture and Something Else

2008-07-04T00:00:00.004-04:00

Sorry this will probably be short. I kinda wanna go to bed.

I went to Celebration's College Life again yesterday. I'm sorry for kinda whining about it last week. It may not be everything I want it to be, but then again I'm not everything that I want to be. I kinda expect to have someone shove stuff down my throat, but I think I've come to the realization that I'm going to have to pick up the calzone and do it on my own. But anyways, I met this guy named Alex who invited me to his small group, which was tonight. I got there a little late, and his house is a little townhouse and there were probably 20 people in his living room and they were having a good thread of conversation going. SO I felt kinda awkward just walking into the middle of it all. But I did get to meet quite a bit of people, and I got invited to go to the Mellow Mushroom with them for dinner. I had a calzone for the first time in my life. It was amazingly large (and I got a small). But I did pay for its "small" largeness too. Basically I felt like I was back in the Seminary again. Like the people are nice, cool, Godly people that might be fun to hang around, but I feel like I don't fit with them. They're all so "churchized" feeling to me. Like they'll make a joke about different lifestyles that aren't really degrading to that lifestyle, but it just makes me think "You really don't understand anything else except for what you are do you?" And I think that's why I had a hard time meeting these people. I am different than they are so unless I'm introduced to someone I kind of get the feeling that they are standing there in their groups and thinking "I hope someone goes and talks with that guy."

I don't know. Another thing that reinforced that vibe to me is that they were talking about what kind of music they listen to all day. They were naming things like they're church's worship album, Jeremy Camp, and all of that other "worship" stuff. I was hoping to hear some other style of music come up in the conversation. It just makes me feel uneasy when that's all that someone listens to. Because it just makes me feel like they have a hard time relating to stuff that isn't with their "walk" but might be part of someone else's life that doesn't yet have a walk with God. And one girl said "I've had that CD in my car all day today." So I threw out "I've had Demon Hunter in my CD player all day." I got blank stares and "OMG whatheheckisthat" looks. One girl then said "umm, I've never heard of them." So I explained that I listen to Christian Death Metal/Industrial type stuff. Then another girl gasped "You listen to that ALL day?" (As if it were detrimental to my health or something.) I explained that I also like indie type stuff too. She seemed like she might dabble in some indie, so she was cool with it I guess, but other people just gave me those "umm.... ok" looks.

I don't mean to put these people down. They're great people, but I just don't fit in well with them. I want to fight culture with culture. That is the only way that some people are going to find out that God loves them- If someone like them and who cares enough to understand them shows God's love to them instead of putting out the image that "if you are like me then I will show you that God loves you." I think that so many people unknowingly do that when they cut themselves off from certian parts of the culture. At the same time I want to be careful that I don't do that to the people who are like that because then it makes me just like them- just in a different form. UGH the complexities of humanity. I just want to meet someone who shares my common interests and goals. And who has the same general view of the world. I have met people before, but its never in groups. Its always one person. I guess I am meant to be a loner. But wouldn't it be cool if all of the people who thought just slightly different from the rest of the world got together? I think it would be. But I don't know if that would really work.

Well, I am glad that I finally met some new people to hang out with (hopefully). And I did have a great time hanging out with them. And not every one of them gave me that weird OMG URNOTLIKEME vibe. Just a couple of them. But all the same I just don't exactly fit. I"m too tired to rant anymore. Goodnight.

If There Was No Way Into God...

2008-06-26T14:42:00.004-04:00

Ok, so I do remember a slight bit of one of my odd dreams last night. I remember being in a run down, but functional trailer that was very long at night. The trailer was in a run down trailer park. There was a lynx outside that a dog from inside attacked as I ran away, because the lynx's owner was after me.
At another part I was on a river going upstream with a few other people (at night again). Our raft stopped, so we had to get out and swim. When we got out, a large (but still within natural size) alligator surfaced from underneath me and swam by. I fought with a strange eel-like creature that another alligator ended up eating later. Then I swam to this large tree in the middle of a small pond. This tree was all by itself and had many large roots that spread out around it and into the pond. All I remember about this tree was seeing the alligator behind it on the left, and there was a lemur on one of the branches. I know that something happened, but I don't remember what it was.

I went to the college thing at Celebration last night. It felt to me more like a youth group for college students. Nothing was really different from being at the youth group at Faith. And I also realized how hard it has become for me to be social when I'm by myself. I was the weird looking guy sitting in the corner. (At least that's what I felt like.) And the stuff they were teaching wasn't any more in depth than a regular sunday school lesson.
Here's basically what it was: 1 Tim 4:16. "16Watch your life and doctrine closely. Persevere in them, because if you do, you will save both yourself and your hearers." When I herd this I was thinking "Doctrine! Doctrine! Woohoo, I'm back in Theology class! YAY!" But I was quickly let down. The basis of the message was "Keep your doctrine accurate and precise. Because cults are precise and not accurate. And if you're not precise, no one will ever know what you're about. And of course, our aim should be Jesus." Which, it was great stuff, but the whole time you have to remember that these are all college students. Some of these kids just got done with molecular biology or CalcIV and then they hear something this basic at church. They are able to understand so much more. I need to bring Dr. Reid in there and let him teach a bit. That would be fun. I guess I just have to realize that the rest of the world isn't Seminaryland.

NEW STUFF!!!

2008-06-25T14:12:00.000-04:00

Tell me what you think of how the new page looks.

For Today, We Wish The Skies Were Grey

2008-06-24T23:27:00.003-04:00

Lately I've been on a slump of everything. A slump of will; a slump of mind; a slump of creativity; a slump of happiness; a slump of motivation; just a slump. And lately I've been having these odd dreams and only remembering certain details about them without remembering the whole dream. It really sucks. I like having dreams whether they are good are bad, I like them.

I've just tried so hard to find a job, but haven't even come close to finding one. But then when I think about it, I feel like I haven't been trying hard enough. I don't know what's wrong with me. I feel like a failure. I kind of expected a call from the Air National Guard today, but nobody called me- nobody at all. I'm just really disappointed in the world. The world sucks. Really I guess its that America sucks. Its such a consumer driven society, but when the consumers can't consume then there is no more society. There really is no social part of America either. Its all work, eat, and shop. No one really gets out and does anything that doesn't cost money. Now even just to go somewhere costs money with the way the gas prices are. I'm tired of everything, and I'm tired of how I am. I'm trying to do better, but even though I want to do better I don't do better. I just have to do something, but then do I really know how I want to do it? UGH, this is how my mind is right now- just scattered in 5000022343u27161738927 different directions.
"All we are, are crocodiles."

Yep, I Dooed It

2008-06-23T07:01:00.002-04:00

Well, for those of you who don't know, I had a job. The job was packing boxes at Bacardi. I would pull a pallet to the line, unpack the pallet, unpack the boxes in the pallet, and pack them in a nicer box. It doesn't sound like much, but its a lot of work to be doing for ten hours a day. And the whole time I was being yelled at to go faster when I was already going as fast as I could. The main thing is (and many would agree) that the job should pay at least 13 dollars an hour, but it only pays 8.50. So I'm through with that, and looking at my other options.

As far as paying for school, the Air National Guard is starting to look pretty good right now. They pay for all of your school plus give you a small monthly check to help with living expenses. They give you this and more for going through basic training and then 1 weekend a month and a couple of full weeks during the year. Pretty good deal huh?

True Love's Kiss

2008-06-21T18:12:00.006-04:00

I found a small path untraveled by my former man. On this path I found a creature that walked on all fours and had a round hard back. Its face green with a beak and round, black marble eyes. It could draw in all of its extremities beneath its back. I dare not try to tease this animal, for within its beak seemed terrible jaws that, though not extremely large, seemed as though they might make a tasty morsel out of my flesh. I marveled at this wondrous work of God, but allowed it to continue on its way dragging himself across the sand. Some very few paces later I happened upon another of these creatures that, upon seeing me, scuttled back to its hole in the sand that it was peering at me from.

Upon exiting this path, a vast expanse lay before me- first the sand; then the water and sky. It seemed to stretch on forever. At first I felt I was alone in this vast emptiness that contained so many treasures I will probably never know them all. But as I looked to my right and left I found that I was mistaken. Many other travelers were also here. They seemed prepared for the watery elements, which I was not. Nevertheless, they were some ways off, and though I was not alone, I felt it.

As I wandered to my right, I saw yellow tape stretched across sticks placed in the sand. It seemed as if someone was trying to fence off a small area with this puny device. I drew closer to observe and found a sign bearing the news that sea turtle eggs had been laid there, and they were not to be disturbed under penalty of law. Not wanting to disturb them, law or no law, I walked towards the water where the waves crashed on top of each other as if they were all hungry and they were the only food. Apparently they did not eat to their fill because they would fizzle out into a small, foamy flow by the time they reached shore.

I found a small shell, and with it I drew my name in the sand only to have the waves wash it away. Yours was there too- right below mine and in a different hand. Though it was the same hand that drew them as the wind blew through my hair. Then travelers drew too near, so I had to abandon you and me. But do not worry dear. Though our names be gone, they still were drawn there. Things are as they are, just as the sand returns to the sea.

Drowning in Ankle Deep Water

2008-06-19T22:05:00.003-04:00

My body is extremely tired, but my mind is wide awake thinking about things that bother me. So for once I'm actually going to write it out. I actually really feel like hanging out with someone, but I haven't found anyone here yet that I could just call up and hang out with. Probably the closest person that I could do that with would be De, but he's a 30something year old single guy that stays busy. The main thing is he lives in orange park- which is a while away.

What I don't understand is why great girls always find the wrong guy. I've met so many girls in my life that seem to be amazing. Most of the time these amazing girls are single. (No offense to anyone, but most girls are best when they're single.) And I know being single can get really lonely after a while- especially when they see all of their friends going off with guys and stuff. So when the first guy that shows any serious interest in them whatsoever comes along, they're always like "OHABOYMINE". But the first guy who shows that interest is usually a jerkface. And (from my perspective) its always so obvious. Sometimes they're just a bum-loser that wants to mooch off of someone. Sometimes they're Mr. Smooth and Sweetnowiwantyourbooty. Or just whatever.
But everytime I've had a chance to see the situation I've seen it coming. Its like "Duh Girl. He was already Mr. Jerkface before you knew him."
"But I thought I knew him." or "I know, but I thought he could change."
#1 NO you didn't know him at all. (Obviously). And you never will for quite a while, so don't think you figured him out.
#2 If you find the perfect Mr Jerkface that you think you can mold into your perfect guy, you've been listening to too many fairytales. People are who they are, and if they change for you then they're not really changing themselves at all. They're just changing their appearance so that they can get closer to your heart. No matter what they say- on the inside and after its all said and done, they're still the same unless they changed because they wanted to and not because you wanted them to.

I guess my thing is that girls just need to be patient for a good niceguy to come along. The reason Mr. Jerkface has already showed his interest is because he doesn't know how to handle his insecurities on his own so he goes and impulsively looks for someone to transfer them to- hoping that this will be the answer. The reason the right guy hasn't shown his face to you yet is because #1 he realizes that he is insecure, and before he can take care of another person's heart he has to be able to handle his own. #2 Maybe a great guy has looked your way, but he doesn't want you to mess up who you are just yet because of him being in a relationship with you. (Like it or not, people do change when they start to date people.) #3 Great guys usually take things quite a bit slower than others so maybe they just want a bit of who you are before they really know you. When this happens, the guy usually tends to think things through a bit and is really afraid to mess up what he already has in a friendship. So he needs some sort of self assurance that everything will be OK. Then that is where the insecure part comes in. So the guy has to deal with that before he can even begin to deal with his relationship with a girl.

And its not like there is a complete drought of great guys in the world. There are just a whole lot of bad ones. And sometimes the bad ones are chosen so easily that the good ones get left out. Its really sad because there are these people out there who want nothing but to love other people and be loved back. That's all they want. Then they put so much effort into a relationship with someone only to get "You're such a great friend. I know you can help me. I met this guy at a grocery store today and..." What do guys have to do, make a big sign and stick it to their forehead?: "NICE GUY GENUINELY NEEDS LOVE FROM SOMEONE WHO IS YOU" Gheez. I've known some people who its like "man this guy is one of the best people I know. Why isn't someone at least trying to hang around him?" I just wish that girls would look around more before they tie their insecure heart to the insecure heart of someone else. All that brings is a mess.

Ewok

2008-06-10T23:59:00.003-04:00

I got tired of this starting evertime I opened the page...
You'll have to stop the music player first. I'm sure thats the first thing you do anyways. Well you don't have to but it would be weird with two songs at once. I thought this was hilarious and had to share. I did write an actual post below.

I Had to Eat the Carrot Cake (JOBS 2)

2008-06-10T23:22:00.002-04:00

Since I've gotten here, my halfway good eating habits have gone down the drain. I don't want to eat a food, but then someone keeps begging me to eat it. Now that I think about it, it kindof ticks me off. It'll be there all day, and I won't touch it. Then someone says "Jeremy why don't you have some of this ::insert non health conscious food::?" At first I resist and say "That's OK." But then they just have to be persistent because they think I'm so skinny or something. For REAL! Since I've been back its always been "Well look at how skinny he is now." Or "why won't you eat something ELSE?" I'm thinking that so many people just eat too much around here that they become blind to how much they are actually eating. Like today, we had the largest hotdogs I've ever seen in my life, and how many do people get? Two. It makes me feel weird to only eat one. Its like pier pressure to eat too much. UGH! I don't like it. I've already started gaining weight since I've been here. And BTW for those who watch too much TV, Florida is not full of skinny people like most people think. Eating is a pastime down here. Its horrible.
On the plus side of things I did go running tonight. It was pretty nice to be going straight and flat the whole way. I'll try to check the actual distance tomorrow. And I have been stretching and doing pushups and crunches every morning.

As for jobs, I didn't apply much today because I stayed up too late last night. I did get an email from a company about a bank teller position. And there's one about medical transcription. We'll see how those go. They both seem too commericalized but if they're real then I want them.

Class Schedule??? (I hope)

2008-06-10T03:54:00.002-04:00

So I decided to stay up, drink coffee and work on things (sleep is boring anyways). This is what I hope my class schedule will be. (After I find a job)

Eng. Comp. 1- ONLINE
College Algebra (or maybe a lesser math ;0)-< ONLINE
Photography 1- 11am-1:50pm T/TH
Acting 1- 12-1:15pm M/W
Intro to Video Production- 6pm-10pm Wed.

These classes are on the South Campus and not on the North Campus as I had hoped. At least I don't have to drive back and forth from North to South due to online classes. But this is all pending on job situation. Hopefully I can get a job from 3-10 or something like that. Friday and Saturday are completely open, and I won't have to be to class until noon on Monday... The partybilities are endless. lol.
Actually, I'll probably spend those 4 days on my online classes.

Job Search: Day 1.2

2008-06-09T23:57:00.005-04:00

Well, after all that has happened in my life I had to take a while away from attempting to find a place to make money, but now its back. Today I just stayed on the Internet a lot looking up places and applying online because when I do actually go to a place to apply they usually give me a blank stare and say "Oh, well here's a computer and here is a website. Its all ON-LIIINNNEEE- You know the IINNTEERRNET." And then I have this feeling like they think that I am completely computer illiterate as they take the mouse and start setting things up and explaining what to do. Its hard to find a decent job when the economy is down and you have no experience doing anything related to what you want to do. And then instead of places having NOW HIRING signs, they always keep their online applications open so you don't know if they're hiring or not. Then you waste stupid time applying to never hear from anyone. The world is just so impersonal these days. It used to be that people would wave as they drove by in the neighborhood. But that has become so uncommon that if someone does that you think "Who was that freak, and what did they want?"

I just don't know where to start. I guess I'll just ask where all of the restaurants are and start applying there. That's all I know to do without school or experience, and I can still have decently good pay doing that. I did apply to 5 Panera Bread locations that are within 13 miles of the house. That is a lot of Panera Bread. Hopefully they could use one more college student. I would rather enjoy a job standing behind a counter and making coffee and serving overpriced crumbs to people. I would enjoy Starbucks more, but it seems hard to get a job there because everyone wants to work there. I need to find a local chain of coffee shops or something. That would be what I really want to do. The best would be the coffee stand in a Barnes & Nobles.

I only need to save up 3x as much money as I have now. And living here, the only thing I would have to pay for would be my car and gas. But gas is crazy! That's why I need to work within 10 miles of here so I could get up early and run to work. I would love that. Or maybe I could just buy a cheap roadbike at a pawn shop or yard sale. That way so I wouldn't be too sweaty when I came in, but I could still save $4 a day. 4x30 is 120. So that would save me $120 a month! Which is great when you need every penny you have. Even if I bought a brand new bike at walmart it would pay for itself in a month. Wow.

I wish things were closer together. That's America's problem with gas that I don't think the rest of the world understands. In some countries you can have everything and everyone you need within a 5 mile radius because the country is only 200 miles across. In America, some people drive 50 miles a day to go to work(total). Back when gas was steady that wasn't that big of a deal, but even at 25 MPG that is $8 a day. For some people that is a whole hour of work spent in money in the hour it took them to drive there and home- A cost in money and devaluing their time.

To wrap it all up, I need something that is close and flexible. Close because of gas and time and the college is close too. Flexible because I don't know what my college schedule will be yet. That is something I will figure out tomorrow though (halfway). I know what I need to take now, and fall classes are posted. Maybe that will help in choosing a job schedule. I need to go to sleep now so I can do these things tomorrow morning instead of tomorrow afternoon.

Blubber Belly

2008-06-05T01:27:00.002-04:00

I was planning on writing a rather large post on this thing today, because I felt that I had nothing else to do. Then I realized that I just joined a MMORPG, and it is highly addicting so far. So I played for a while, but then I realized that I still wanted to post something on here. I've been staying up way too late lately. I don't know what time this will post as, but its 2:40 right now. And I told someone on the phone at 11:30 that I was really tired and needed to go to bed. Which all of this was true and still is, but somehow I have managed to mingle around until now here it is creeping up on 3AM and I'm not asleep. Now at noon, I'll probably wake up to "You gonna sleep all day?" and then I'll do the whole process again. But I'm finally not too tired because I wasn't running and racing around all day. *Myspace Checkbreak*-*nothing new*

I was actually pretty bored today. I woke up, ate "breakfast"; told nana and papa bye; and then wandered aimlessly about what I should do. I couldn't call friends because they were all busy with life. All of my interesting stuff is in Florida so that means no exploding head zombies on RE4. And I really wanted to work on my book, but all of the stuff I have so far is in a notebook in Florida. So all I had was the internet. I played an online strategy game... (*pause- my leg itches like crazy. Time to go get the shorts * )
...And that is where this post ended. After I put on some shorts, I was really tired so I just laid on the couch and forgot all about posting. Then I thought I was going to add more to this post, but its already too far gone. SO there it is.

Airless Breath

2008-06-03T23:39:00.002-04:00

I really don't have much to say right now because I don't know much, but Kali went missing Friday and now the police or whatever authority needs her has her. So at least that ordeal is over with. I drove all the way from FL at 3:00 am on Saturday to help with the search. I haven't slept well since, and I've been running and driving like a sane maniac, So I'm exausted. Goodnight.

Job Search: Day 1

2008-05-29T18:51:00.004-04:00

So I got here at 3 AM with no problem.
I was planning on doing a lot of things today, but none of it really happened like I planned. I woke up at 7, ate breakfast, moved all of my stuff in, and took a shower. By the time I was through with all of this it was 10:00. I don't remember what I did for an hour after that, but I do remember seeing 11:00 and thinking "I can barely think because I'm so tired" (I only slept 2 hours the night before last because I had to get my stuff ready to move.) So I decided to take a power nap. Well, the "power nap" lasted until around 4:00 and I still had people to call and information to gather before I could actually go anywhere. And most offices close by 5. So there goes a wasted day. I decided to look online and applied to a couple of places for some clerical work, but online job applications aren't working so well. I think I've been called back by some scam companies, but that's been it since I started. I've decided that if I want a job, I'm going to actually have to go and talk with people- hmm. What a concept!
I did manage to gather quite a bit of information today though. Tomorrow, I'm going to go to Florida Sun Printing; Shands Hospital for the position of "Clerical Associate"; Baptist Hospital for "Patient Access Representive" and "Program Assistant"; and St. Vincent's Hosptial (if I get the time) for "Console Operator 1" (basically switchboard) and "Food Associate 2" (the cafeteria cashier). And if I see anything inbetween, I'll apply there too. I also want to sell some printouts of some photographs that I've taken, but I don't know how to sell them. -Dinnertime!

Funny How Things Work.

2008-05-28T00:34:00.001-04:00

Well, I think I have the general plotline of my book. I just need more characters and a few more sub-plots to get this thing rolling. So excited.

2008-05-27T20:14:00.004-04:00

I'm waiting on chicken to finish cooking so I decieded for a quick entry. I'm leaving tomorrow, but I don't know completely how I feel about it. It's such an "epic" thing in my life, but it just seems like tomorrow is just another day (which it essentially is). Nothing old, nothing new. I just need to continue my life. Same book, new chapter. Its like a story that just needs that new plot turn. That's the way that its been for a while now I guess. There are just a few characters that can no longer be in the spotlight for this next chapter, and I guess that is what makes it difficult to do. The story will be following one person as he journeys through the mist and into the land that he once knew but all of the circumstances are so different.

Moving Along? I Hope So.

2008-05-24T01:09:00.002-04:00

I should be working on Ashley's wedding right now, but I logged on so I had to write about a few things...

I'll probably be leaving NC next week to start a new chapter of my life. At first I was so eager to leave, because I felt like I had nothing left here/ I'm wasting my life ect./ ect. But now I'm not so completely eager to go. I do have something. I have friends. I don't have many, but nonetheless I have them. And its just hard to leave when you feel like you're so close to people and you know that you don't have to leave. But this is something that I have to do if I'm ever going to do anything with my life. So to my friends- "Goodbye, and read this thing because this is probably going to be the best way to keep up with me unless you just want to call me every now and then. That would be better, but it doesn't always work out that way." I don't even know why I'm writing about this on here, but maybe someone will come across it someday and know that I'm not leaving because I'm a sad, depressed person that needs something new to make me happy. It's just better this way.
For this is who we are,
Reinventing who we were.
The past reshaped-
Every breath now makes
The last fall into memory.

-That's part of a poem that I'm working on. I just thought it fit well in this context.

I'm going to continue working on my "book" one of these days too. I had a pretty good start, but then I realized I needed something- PLANNING. Duh! So, because of the way that I have to meticulously map out everything because of the way I think its going to take a while. Plus I haven't been reading and studying enough good stories to get mine going. Characters and overall events first. Then everthing else will fall into place. (Hopefully). But from what I have now, I'm going to need a lot of characters. UGH. And I'm trying to steer a little from conventional, but I may have to start out with a basic generic structure and then destructure it later. We'll see. I came across my character descriptions so I just had to say something about it.

Well, time for a 24 hour session with my computer and two angles of a video. I hope this goes well. I atleast know the vows are good. I kinda want this to turn out oldschool 8mm homevideo looking. Yet with a professional edge to it. Or actually professional with an oldschool 8mm edge would sound better. Enough procrastinating...

Not Much Time

2008-05-21T00:08:00.002-04:00

OK. Now that my "issue(s)" has been settled, I think I can move on with my life. Sorry I won't talk about it much on here just because there are some things that are a deep part of me that I may hint to on the internet so that those who know might be able to guess. But I will never completely put them up here because then it just makes it completely impersonal. I will say this though; nothing has been destroyed and nothing has been constructed- Rather, what was already established has only been strengthened through its testing. I will continue my life just as I always have- striving to become the man I need to be. And I will wait to see what the future holds for me. (If indeed the future really "holds" anything at all.)

Sorry, but the rest of my Jacksonville trip will still have to wait. I do really want to write about it, but I just don't have much time right now. Pictures of it are on my myspace. In one sentance... I hung out with Taylor for a few days, and we went to her sister's graduation on my way back to North Carolina. (Ok, so I cheated... Its a compound sentance, but whatever.)

Dealing with myself has taken up a lot of my energy lately, but the other 5% of my energy has been devoted to working, killing zombies, and trying to hang out with friends. I do need to focus on moving soon though (I'm hoping within a couple of weeks.) But I think that moving can wait until I've killed off the parasites and gotten off of the island and tracked down Ida to get the cure back. But my friends are definately more important than the cure. And so life goes on...

Mixed up Stuff...

2008-05-14T22:45:00.004-04:00

There has been a lot of stuff going on inside of me lately. I won't be able to post on here about the stuff until I get things straight with somebody first. Today so far has been a day of getting things straight with people that I should've gotten things straight with a long time ago. I just was a stupid little boy that didn't know how to handle his heart or other people's hearts. I'm not the boy that I once was, but I'm not the man I'll be. I am working on it though. I promise.

I'll post about the rest of the Jacksonville trip later. I have something to deal with right now.

Bulletpoint Recap

2008-05-11T19:44:00.004-04:00

My dreams can be real
I'm tired of here
I don't want to be there
I miss Taylor
I don't know what to do...

I just wish I had someone I could talk to who might either just listen or completely put themselves in my shoes instead of just trying to tell me things because they want to.

Jeans and Jobs

2008-05-07T00:59:00.003-04:00

I applied to JC Pennys, Bealls, and Express today. It sounded like they really wanted to hire me at Express, but I might have to live with Nana with the way gas prices are if I work there. I'll just be a homeless nomad for a while. Moving from place to place as I need to. haha.

I also bought a pair of jeans from Hot Topic for $13! I never realized they had a clearance rack, but they did today. And the last pair of skinny/flare Lip Service jeans was just my size. Then I got a shirt at JCPennys for a total cost of $3 to me. (50%off/ $5 gift card/ 10% off the 50% price because of a Pennys card). Then I got a shirt at Bealls for $4. So thats a whole outfit and a half (that fits me like it was made for me) for $20. That's a pair of cheap jeans at Walmart. So beat that Walmarters!

And Taylor comes tomorrow! YAY! I'm oober excited!

Jacksonville so far...

2008-05-05T00:39:00.002-04:00

For those who don't know, I'm in Jacksonville again. This time it started out just being for my cousin Ashley's wedding, but its ended up being so much more than that now. Gah. I'm glad I'm a sporadic person because things just seem to happen when they happen to me. (Some halfnotknowing planning was done this time.)

Ashley's wedding was a bit stressful for me. I thought I was just going to walk up an isle and stand there wearing a tux. How wrong I was. After working all day and driving all night Thursday, Ryan and I arrived at Memi's house safely at 3:00 Friday morning. Being dead tired, I proceeded to sleep. Dad called me at 8:30 ish to tell me that they were leaving. Aunt Angie called me at 9 something to tell me that Ashley was going to meet me later to get my vest for the wedding. Ashley called me shortly after to tell me that she was going to meet me later to get my vest. Aunt Angie called at 11:45 wanting me to meet her at the place ASAP. (Me with little sleep and just waking up) So I had to get up, take a shower and rush to the vest place. -That was just Friday morning.

(In between, I ate lunch with Nana and Papa and moved stuff around in the church. Then had to waste time at walmart because I had no time to do anything else, but I had too much time to just sit and wait for the rehearsal.)

During the rehearsal Friday night, I had no clue what I was doing until they told me that I was going to be an usher. -OK- And I was also informed that I was going to do the video (more on that adventure later). So now I get to pull double duty. But I was excited that they let me do the video after the ridiculously long time I'm taking with Michelle's (which is writing to a DVD as we speak- or 'as I speak'). So during the rehearsal, I'm running around like a chicken with my head cut off trying to find good angles and figuring out how to hide on the stage to get them and figuring out who is moving where and where I need to move to get them. And all this while people are needing me to do this and do that and "Jeremy, are you looking for something? -What is he doing? " BlaBlaBla. That room didn't leave me much to work with as far as wide angles go. Then for the close ones, I had to do quite a bit of sneaking. I decided on 2 cameras and 2 tripods (mainly because that's all I had).

Destination zero- And one of my tripods didn't show. At least I had two cameras though. I decided to tripod my aunt's handycam and freestyle my miniDV. I'm glad we had three ushers because otherwise I would've never got my cameras ready. And during the ceremony, the unexpected happened. The photographer that they hired kept getting right in my way! He was not good at being an onlooker. He was rather a buttface! (For lack of more words that I want to use, but wish to keep this blog halfway family friendly.) He was such a "donkey". (I guess I just feel better by verbally bashing him in disneylike manner) During people coming in, he stood right out in the middle of the isle wearing a tan polo and khakis and brown loafers exaggeratedly holding his camera up to his face and snapping 4,000 shots of the same picture. And during the unity candle (the parents part), he stood between the crowd and the candle- front and center and right in my shot. So I moved to get him out of it. But he moved to where he was still in it. Then after the lighting of the candles I was tyring to get the candles by themselves and the idiot just stood front and center not even trying to not be distracting. So I have him just looking like a buffoon behind the beautiful shot of the candles- Thanks JERK! Later on, as Ashley and Chris were leaving down the isle, he stood right in front of my tripod shot. So instead of getting them, I have a nice shot of his large rear end. I saw it from across the room and could do nothing but think angry thoughts at him as I'm running down the hallway trying to get to my tripod. He did even more idiotic things like that that really pissed me off. He had no respect whatsoever- for me or the wedding itself. Plus, he's a bad photographer because he had to take 10,000 pictures (I think the number he gave my uncle was 367) so that a few might turn out good. I hope they didn't pay much for him.

And another thing... I lost my phone that morning, so if anyone has tried to call me (which I doubt anyone who reads this has) I'm not mad and I'm not dead. I just have to go to alltel and get a new one.

On to something better...
Taylor is going to come visit me on Wednesday! I'm so FREAKING EXCITED! O my gosh! I haven't seen this girl in 3 years! And we've known each other for a really long time. She's coming Wednesday, staying Thursday and leaving Friday. I'm so excited and I can't wait to see her. Her family started me on the musical path. (I just thought about that...wow.) And even though we're so far away from each other we've stayed close friends all this time. I would consider her my alltime best friend. So yeah- Excitedness.

I'm also running around for a job this week here. Pray that I get something.

And one more freaky thing. I visited some old places here that have changed a lot since the last time I saw them, but they looked exactly like places in weird dreams that I have had recently. But I've never seen these places as they are now before. I thought it was weird. I think that means pretty soon I don't know what but somethings going to happen.

WYSIWYG

2008-04-29T17:41:00.002-04:00

So basically I've been still slaving over the problems with my cousin's wedding. I think I found a converter that works better and is much more non-supercomputer friendly. So far it looks promising. The sample I did worked perfect. I just have to fix my problems with using it. So at least I know that the problem isn't the program or computer this time. Its a bit more "hands on" so I'll have to stay with the video and do some snipping to get it how I want. It should work out though. (Though I have been wrong about these things many times before.)

Speaking of videos... we workded on Stephan's movie Saturday and it seems to be coming along. Afterwards, I learned the all dominating game of Risk. (Insert dramatic war music). And it was pretty cool. I've wanted to play it my whole life and finally now I did (a 4 hour match I think). Then Scot had complete world domination in one move. So that was that.

I also need to study more than I do. I suck at studying without school, but since I know I'm going back, I know I have to study. Its just so I can stay ahead of the game or whatever. I guess I'll go do that now.

All Else Fails

2008-04-24T16:22:00.002-04:00

I realize that I haven't been keeping up with this as much as I want. I've been doing other things that are pointless and waste my time completely. I guess this is actually something constructive to add to my life. I have sort of been trying to post as many poems as I can for my poetry site, but all I've been doing is working, coming home and doing nothing. I can do a whole lot more than what I've been doing. I just have to motivate myself instead of looking for motivation. Like with the wedding video (which I am active in it in this moment. I'm just waiting for something to process.)- I know that I won't be able to get it to them until I go down to FL, so I just kinda waited until crunch time. If I would've worked on it from the time I started until I actually finished instead of "being lazy" or "procrastinating" or whatever you want to call it, it should've taken a month at the most. (A month because there have been a lot of technical issues with the files and my computer- I'm actually working on one of them now.)

I've let my clothes pile up so much that now I have to wash two loads today. And once again... no self motivation. I kept telling myself, "you have to wash clothes today" but did I listen? no.

So I walked away and completely forgot where I was going with all of this ranting. My computer is too slow to convert the PowerPoint to video like I want and its really frustrating trying to find the right FPS, compression codec, and resolution combination to get the highest quality possible for the video that my computer can put out. Why can't I just have a 4Ghz processor with 5MB of ram? Then I would be fine until I found a process that maxed that out.

I'm being distracted by too much going on around me to continue this for now...

The Story of My Life

2008-04-19T02:18:00.003-04:00

So earlier, LocalFreak (ES) asked me something about his poem, and I had a huge long great sounding expination of what I thought and why. And I had it all broken down and explained. Then Internet Explorer encountered a problem and needed to close before I could send it. I hate Microsoft for that.

Dead Tired

2008-04-17T23:35:00.003-04:00

Once again I fail...
I haven't posted about my life for a while.
Prom went great. It was a little less awkward than I think we both thought it was going to be. We didn't do too much dancing, but Kelly was fine with that and so was I. So we basically just sat on the porch thing outside at the Raleigh Country Club and talked. Then when we couldnot hear *thump *thump "dirty things" *thump *thump we would go inside and dance. Its so weird that people think that having standup sex with clothes on is dancing or that its even fun. My contacts were being really screwy that night, so like every 30 mins I had to put drops in my eyes. It was kind of embarassing. But I had a great time and I got to wear my white tux. She wore a black dress with a skull and a red flower and "los muertos" (The Dead) on it. I was really close to wearing my eyeliner too. It would've gone so well with what I was wearing. Oh well. Pics are on myspace and facebook. Mostly Facebook though.

I'm sleepy. I think I'll go to bed and try to post more tomorrow...

LOVEDEATH POETRY

2008-04-11T01:00:00.004-04:00

Be sure to check out LOVEDEATH POETRY. This will be my poetry blog where I will attempt to write a poem a day. So check it out every day! I will keep a link to it in the "Other Stuff" window.

This Bird Just Wants to Fly South

2008-04-10T23:44:00.005-04:00

Cleaning the camper took so much longer than I thought it would. Man, so much stuff everywhere! I feel like I'm such a slob/pig/messy person. I need to start organizing my life. I have so much going for me, but instead of it being neatly tucked away in box #42 for easy access it's "somewhere on the desk." I can't even find my tie for that prom. So I might end up going to Henderson after work tomorrow to buy a whole new vest. UG.

Speaking of work... It feels like I'm on vacation now. I actually get to sleep at night and I'm doing stuff during the day. Out in the sun. I love it. Although carpentry isn't exactly my specialty I still enjoy it because I get to breathe the fresh, pollen and sawdust-filled air.

And I'm a little upset right now because I want to move to Jacksonville so bad, but I can't seem to even get people to consider me for a job right now. It really sucks. I'm really tired of being here in North Carolina. I love the few friends that I have here, but other than that there's nothing left here for me. Most of my friends have long since gone and left me or were never really my "friends" in the first place so now we just never talk or hang out or do anything. I don't know. I'm just ready to meet new people, to see my best friend, to use my life for what I can use it for. It's hard to be patient.

Procrastination Strikes Again

2008-04-10T17:12:00.004-04:00

I woke up at six this morning although I really didn't mean to wake up until 8. So I decided to have a go at the flavor shooters. The shot glass I had was much smaller than the one at the coffee place and I didn't exactly have half and half so I mixed creamer and milk. But it was still really good. I used probably four espresso shots on myself and let mom, dad, and Kali split the other shot of espresso. That makes a lot of shooters!

Plus I actually slept to my body's content last night. And the sun is shining today. And I got a tan (in two seconds as usual). And I got a full refund on the work that wake tire did on my car. (All $161.74 of it.) And I just realized how much money I'm getting paid tomorrow. And I now only have to drive 5 miles to work (compared to 30). And I've been accepted to FCCJ just like everyone else that applies there.

Sorry for my list of good things going on for me at the moment. There are more, but I just don't want to bore you with them. I had something else in my head to start typing as a paragraph, but I don't know what it was because I remembered that I had to call a car place and ask them a question. So then I forgot the paragrah topic that I was planning on writing about. Anyway here is a list of things I need to do:

~~Taxes~~

~~Clean my camper~~

~~Wash Dad's car~~

Fix my computer

Finish my cousin's wedding (I only need to do touchup stuff)

Get tux fixed for next cousin's wedding

Get started on C# book

~~Learn bass scales~~

Read all of my film books

Good gosh I didn't realize how much I needed to do until I wrote it all down. Of course some things are more pressing than others, but I need to get going... TTFN

O The Crash!

2008-04-09T22:27:00.003-04:00

So I still need to find a job in Jacksonville soon... Job situation up here is going a little better. I'm finally done with security. And now I'm working construction stuff- doing much heavy lifting and gaining scars and splinters in my tan skin. I only gave myself a day to change sleep patterns so its been odd for the past couple of days. I think I slept just 2 hours last night. I just couldn't sleep. Today I woke up at around 4ish (am) and fixed breakfast for me. I made an omelet sandwich which was pretty amazing. Then I made breakfast for everyone else as they woke up. I had to bring my car to Wake Forest then go to work. My car has issues... and I'll leave it at that.

Later on Lacee and I (sorry I had to be grammatically correct) went to the new coffee shop in Wake Forest. If you live in the area you must go there! Simply put. It is amazing. Danny More works there so we talked with him for a while about many things and coffee (of course). The strawberry smoothies there are totally delicious. He then convinced me to get a "flavor shooter"- one of the best coffee creations that I have known so far. We hung out for a while after that and even after I took her home, I was still buzzing off of the flavor shooter (and it takes a lot of coffee to buzz me) but now I'm in a state of 80 the whole time. I want to do so much but my body won't let me. Ugh! I'm zoning with my body right now, but my mind is still telling my fingers to type. Now that I have a new character to work with for my "book" maybe I can start with him. It's going to be great! But now I need other characters and events to somehow link what I have. I mean I know how to end it, but getting to the end is the hard part. But I'm building this bridge so I can cross it.

Update on "prom thing"... This girl that I'm going with just called. And apparently she's driving, paying for tickets, and dinner. Complete opposite of ANYTHING I've ever done. The last time I remember (though it may have happened more recently) a girl buying me dinner was when Tara bought me a sandwich at Arby's on the way home from orchestra. And for those of you who know me, you know its been a while since I've been in an orchestra (though you may not know who Tara is).

The Sand On the Only Shore Across the Sea

2008-04-03T01:46:00.003-04:00

So I wrote this poem and put it up on eliteskills.com, but nobody has commented on it. I have at least 17 views by now and usually someone comments by at least 5. Since nobody loves me there anymore, I just wanted to see if any of you guys had anything to say. Maybe if you want to, even try to analyze it. Non analytical comments are fine too.

Oh princess of your castle,
how long must I wait
to see you again?
I've searched my life
knowing exactly who you are,
never acknowledging you weren't there

as your hair was blown
by the wind and we stood in the trees
knowing not we would see each other again.

And the wind blew by the years
giving way to our fears of never loving.
So you saw your princes and I my maidens.
And though we never laid in their beds
we never knew the dead could be so enticing.

Now knowing the dead are not alive
You and I should strive to spend our days in
the land of the living.

Oh princess of your castle,
how long must I wait
to see you again?
I've searched my life
knowing exactly who you are,
and I never want to leave your side.

I'm a bird. You're a bird. Let's fly south together.

2008-03-30T18:49:00.005-04:00

I really feel like updating this, but my body is in conflict with my mind and I'm not feeling like doing it, but I will anyways...

I put in my two weeks notice for my security job yesterday! I'm so excited because I thought this job was crap before, but now the job isn't the only thing that is crap. I fell like the poop on the end of someone's stick. They cut my hours from 38 to 26 without changing the days that I work and without getting me off the nightshift in a matter of about two weeks. Then they told me that they wanted me to work a dayshift during the week in addition to my night shift, but I just never called them back on that. I already feel like crap during the middle of the week because I'm trying to adjust my sleep for a couple of days, then they want me to work on top of that? Umm NO! And now I have to walk the parkinglot all night just because there were a few car breakins lately. UGHH!!!!!!!!
Plus I'm moving to FL soon anyways. I've applied to 50billion jobs on hotjobs now that I actually have a resume. In the meantime, I'll be working on garages and porches and such. It's going to be interesting. I'm supposed to get a call sometime soon though about a job with computers around here. We'll see how that goes, but I'm not sure if they'll want me when they find out that I'm planning on going to FL.

In other news... My friend's friend need a date for prom so he set me up to go with her. I've never even seen the girl in my life, except that after that we've sent some facebook messages. Then my friend's date backed out on him (who happened to be best friends with the girl that I'm going with). I'm still planning on going with this girl that my friend set me up with though. Yeah, this is probably the most complicated situation that I've ever been part of in my life even though it might not seem that complicated to some.

Taco Bell And Gay Strip Clubs

2008-03-27T02:01:00.003-04:00

So, after watching American Idol, I suddenly got an urge to go get a gordita supreme at taco bell. I took ryan and we tried the one in Louisburg, just because I haven't been to Louisburg in a while. It was closed- Lame. We then went to Wake Forest and ate the best Gordita Supreme I've ever had. Being energized by the scrumpcious food, neither one of us wanted to go straight back home. We called Charles, but he had to get up early. So we decided to just go to downtown Raleigh.

In Raleigh, at midnight, we just parked the car and walked around. There this one place that we walked by and Ryan was like "thats a gay bookstore. Funny, you can usually see inside during the day." But yeah, all of the windows and even the door were blacked out and there was techno music with the stripper beat playing really loud. Can we say "dontwannagothere"? So we kept walking and somehow wandered into Mason Park. So we got hit up by five homeless people and all I had was a dollar. About three of them looked like they were needing a fix anyways. But there was this one guy who looked sincere and he said that there was no more room for him at the shelter tonight and he just needed to scrounge up two dollars for a small meal. So I gave him my dollar. I hope he finds something.

The only things open were bars and clubs. I wanted to go into a random music bar and just listen to whoever was there,but I didn't feel like spending any money. We found our way back to the car and somehow ended up at Merideth College. I texted Lisa, but she was probably sleeping. Then we decided to go home. So that was our little adventure for tonight.

New Stuff

2008-03-26T20:01:00.004-04:00

So I got brave and modified a template. I'm not used to xml so it was a bit annoying at first. It still is annoying because I want to just write a complete new one in HTML with my favorite three frame design that I made a while ago. But I guess if everyone started making frames all over the place, then blogspot would have to get more space and start charging people for server space and that wouldn't be good. If I had server space somewhere else, I could do it... I'll stop babbling about it now and get on with other things. New things are good to learn anyway.

I went to the mall yesterday and bought a book on C++ and one on making documentaries. The one on C++ came with a code compiler that you have to install on your computer and register online before you can use. Well, my laptop is being stupid because it won't run the ZeroConfig.exe that Windows needs to run my wireless card. Well, Windows tells me that I can learn how to fix the problem by going ONLINE and looking at the microsoft helpbase! How stupid Microsoft is! How am I supposed to go online to fix a problem when the problem is that I can't get online!?!

Last night I stayed up untill 3:30 blasting away zombies in Resident Evil 4. That game is so cool. I really like it on a big TV and surround sound and in the dark. MUAHAHA. Die you parasite controlled freaks!! AHGAGAHHHH! Umm... Ok, so I like to get into it. Its fun!

I'm also applying for an IT job in FL. Its one of those know someone who knows someone kinda things. I sent my resume to my aunt to give to the guy yesterday. Pray that I get it. I just need something so I can get down there.

I wrote a new poem today while sitting in the warm sun at Sheets. Check it out on my Elite Skills.

To Kill A Cat

2008-03-24T18:16:00.002-04:00

1. Hear it Meow
2. Hear it Meow!
3. Hear it MEow!
4. Hear it MEOw!
5. Hear it MEOW!
6. Trip over it.
7. Stab it in the throat with a knife, break its neck by grabbing it at the base of the skull and slinging it in rage to the ground, throw it in the road and run over it!

Alt: or you could go oldschool and throw it in a dryer or really old microwave.

It All Comes Back

2008-03-21T20:41:00.003-04:00

I'm back from Florida because I have to work for a couple of hours. For the little bit of time I was down there I got a lot accomplished. Even though the only two places I actually applied to were Starbucks and Best Buy, I did get to gather much information and talk to people about things so that I can make more informed decisions.
I met my Uncle and he showed me around the FAA in Hilliard. That was the coolest place. I would so love to work there. We started on the control deck and he took me through the entire building explaining how everything works. Its a massive tokken ring network! And all of the network equipment and computers that run all of the radar equipment were normal PCs that you can buy anywhere. I thought that was amazing. He even took me to The Server Room. I was like "yes a massive room full of millions of dollars in computers. Am I still alive?" The only job that I'm able to apply for in the FAA is in Hawaii right now. :(
The Florida Air National Guard is also an option that I'm looking into. My uncle said that he would give my name to the recruiter that he knows so I can talk to him about all of my options, but what would be really cool is if they let me go to Pensacola, pay for my school there and let me be an on base civilian photographer. I would absolutely love that. We'll see how that goes.
My grandma just happens to know the GM of Channel 7 in Jacksonville. They were next door neighbors for like 30 years! So she took me to see him. When she asked to see him, the front desk girl looked at us funny and was like "mmm OK" but he was on vacation and I ended up getting some names and agencies from her. She was really nice, and she remembered my other uncle that used to work there. Its a small world after all.
I pretty much found out that all job applications are online now. Even the ones for CBS and NBC and the FAA and everything. So that is where most of my free time will be spent. Exhausting myself to the navigation and filling out of forms and such. Its going to be harder to do now that the unemployment rate is going up and rumors spread of a worldwide recession. Ugh! Perfect timing. :(
I was also like 300 miles closer to Taylor when I was down there. I miss her so much. Next time I go it will have to be for a week, at least. That way so I can scoot on over to Paxton (mapquest it if you want to know where it is) or at least meet her in Tallahassee. She really is my best friend in the whole world. We've known each other for 8 or 9 years now and we may end up going to the same college. Isn't it funny how the song really is true? Was Disney a prophet?

2008-03-18T22:06:00.002-04:00

I'm in Jacksonville now. The ride here was uneventful except that I listened to the Barlow Girls CD probably 5 times. Their voices are so pretty. And its funny that even though I'm a guy and their songs are mostly for girls I can relate to most of them.

I'm too tired to post much else now, but I did see Sinsei Bruce today. He was teaching the younger class when he saw me through the window. I saw him do a double take. When I approached him after the class, he could tell me everything I had ever done: the coffee mug I gave him one Christmas; I had a brother; my nick name was chuck for a while. He could tell me all of these things, but not my first name. I was great to see him again- still teaching the same values and life lessons he taught me and Sydney many years ago. I was like "Wow, I remember being young and answering these same questions about strangers and what to do when they want to get you but you're too little to properly defend yourself." I'm totally going back to Shotokahn.